Alligator hoofprints on my liver

Hello! I bet you thought I was gonna let another three weeks pass between postings again, didn’t you. Well, sorry to disappoint. I’ve got too much catching up to do.

First off, a small side note -- it feels great to write again. I know my postings are usually just nonsense, but still. It's therapeutic. Granted, I’m still a little rusty, but soon I’ll be back to my old…uhh… Pulitzer-worthy form. Whatever.

On to business! Part two of the 2008 year-in-review will have to wait. Today, I want to recap my trip from this past weekend to New Orleans.

I was unsure about how I would feel going back there. My heart is still shipwrecked somewhere around St. Charles and Burdette, you know (though it’s probably been picked clean by vultures at this point). But you see what I’m saying. I have a lot of memories there. Granted, I didn’t spend a lot of time there…but I have a lot of memories. Memories that are inextricably linked to my ex-girlfriend. Over the past year, any time I would see New Orleans on TV, my heart would sink. The Saints, the Hornets, Katrina footage, Mardi Gras, Lil’ Wayne…anything. My heart would sink. Well, I’m happy to report that, while I did think about her some when I was there, I certainly didn’t think about her a lot. This is a good thing.

Part of that had to do with the people I was in New Orleans with -- Cory and Eric – two people who (if it’s possible) may have less restraint than I do. Seriously, we didn’t bother to invite one voice of reason on this trip? We decided to include the trio that has seen more sunrises than a rooster (hey-yo!) and made more questionable decisions than Cuba Gooding, Jr (two times!)? Well. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Let’s flip through some pictures, shall we?

On the drive down I-10 East, Cory and I decided to stop for breakfast at a Waffle House in Beaumont, TX. Beaumont is…how shall I say this…real America. The woman at the counter had a mullet and Toby Keith was warbling something patriotic over the crackly speakers. It was perfect. I should note that I lived in Beaumont until I was about six years old. Can you imagine if we’d stayed there?! Not to generalize the fine people of Beaumont, but…there’s a good chance I’d be coaching high school football, have three or four shitty kids and a chunky wife (my high school sweetheart!) and live next door to my no-good brother and his family.

This is what happens when things collide on the griddle. You get a delicious bacon/hashbrown concoction.


I think I had cheese eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, raisin toast and grits. It was spectacular.


Casa de Waffle. Prrrrobably not the best name for a picante sauce.


The first thing I saw at the first gas station we stopped at across the Louisiana state line. Drive-thru drinks. That come in a cup. With a straw. Terrific.


The view from our room and the hotel itself. We stayed at the lovely Royal Sonesta on Bourbon and Bienville. It was a great hotel. And in the French Quarter! (side note: this proved to be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because we didn’t have far to stumble to get home. A curse because we didn’t leave the French Quarter once while we there. When I would visit last year, I felt…I don’t know. I won’t go so far as to say I felt “local,” but I didn’t feel like a tourist either. This time, I felt like a tourist. Not necessarily a bad thing, just… I don’t know. If New Orleans were a person (she’d be a stinky, Cajun drunk, for one thing) -- it's like I ran into her at a restaurant and was happy to see her, but she didn’t remember me at all. Hmmm)


The French Quarter, my partners in crime…


Don’t let the silly glass, silly straw and silly plastic grenade deceive you. These drinks were merciless. In fact, these drinks were so strong that we ended up in a strip club by 7:00. 7:00! Strip clubs never seem like a good idea until at least 1:00! (side note: I put a dollar on the stage, and the lovely young lady doing the dancing asked me a question. And when I went to take a drink while coolly formulating a cool response to her question, I spilled beer down the front of my face. How exactly do you recover from that?)


This was taken at the piano bar at Pat O’Brien’s. I realize this is a terrible picture. In fact, all of these pictures are terrible, but that’s because they were all taken with my phone. It’s true. My digital camera never left the suitcase. Anyway, this was an attempt to take a picture of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. From the back of a room. With the help of a mirror dangling above the stage. I’ve circled Jerry with my handy-dandy Telestrator™ for your benefit. Anyway, we did end up getting a picture with him, and to everyone’s surprise, he was an extremely friendly and accommodating guy.


In New Orleans, they have coin-operated games attached the urinals. Happiest place on earth.


These were taken from the balcony above Tropical Isle (home of the Hand Grenade!). We got up to the balcony because we were able to weasel our ways into a University of Alabama fraternity formal. I felt a bit like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite trying to talk with the girls, but it was still a lot of fun. And we met a young man who was the living, breathing embodiment of “Will Ferrell as Harry Caray.” You can’t imagine how many “Will Ferrell as Harry Caray” impressions were done after this meeting. “Hey Eric, if the moon was made of barbecue spareribs, would you try to eat some? I know I would."


My final memory of Friday night. And for some inexplicable reason, I decided to photograph it. Yikes.


The next morning. And some delicious, healing creole food. I had the Natchitoches meat pie. That’s pronounced “Nacka-dish” for some reason. And…uhhh…”meet pye” if you need help saying the whole thing.


There’s nothing remarkable about these pictures. Just a bar. What’s astonishing is that I took these at five o’clock in the morning. Like I said. Happiest place on earth.


So that was that! All in all, a terrific (if not liver-and-checking-account-destroying) weekend in the Crescent City. I’m not sure when I’ll be back. Like Vegas, a little goes a long way. But I had a great time and I still love that place.

Have a good weekend! Aiiyeeeee!!!