And now you know...the rest of the story

In honor of the late, great Paul Harvey (who I used to listen to on road trips with my mom), let’s run through some quick-hit Knuggets, shall we?

So, I’ve had a bit of an unhealthy obsession lately with Walker’s potato chips. Er…crisps. Walker’s is the UK’s answer to Lays, but instead of offering up garden-variety flavors like BBQ and Sour Cream & Onion, they’ve decided to raise the bar. Challenge the consumer’s palate. Test their limits. Right now they’re running a promotion to pick the next (ahem) flavour and the choices are as follows:

- Onion Bhaji
- Fish & Chips
- Cajun Squirrel
- Builder’s Breakfast (eggs, bacon, sausage and beans)
- Chilli & Chocolate
- Crispy Duck & Hoisin

Now then. I won’t go into too much detail about these (you can read a review here), because I haven’t been able to get my hands on any of them. And believe me, I’ve tried. Not only have I scoured the internet, but I even went so far as to ask my ex-girlfriend to buy a bag of Cajun Squirrel during her recent visit to Scotland.

She came back with two bags for me: Worcester and Prawn Cocktail. Sigh. britishdelights.com didn’t have Squirrel either. But! That didn’t stop me from ordering something. I decided on Pickled Onion, Smoky Bacon and Marmite. Why? Well, for one thing, I was hungry when I got to the website (leading to my spending $22 on a few measly bags of chips). But also because I wanted to order the most revolting flavors available. And they definitely delivered.

I’ll just say this – the British love their vinegar. Every flavor I tried was overwhelmingly vinegary. Anyway, the Prawn Cocktail was okay. The cocktail sauce kinda monopolized the flavor (making it taste like ketchup). But you could definitely taste the prawn. Er, shrimp. It was vinegary and salty and ketchuppy, with a bit of a sweet finish. (side note: Excuse me for not being more eloquent with my taste descriptions here. I’m not Andrew Zimmern. If something tastes like salt, you say it’s “salty.” Why can’t the same thing apply to ketchup? We all know what ketchup tastes like) Anyway, the Pickled Onion tasted like onion. Uhh…which is fine, I guess. If you really, really like onion. Smoky Bacon tasted like Bac-o’s. Which is to say they tasted like synthetic bacon.

Marmite was a tricky one, because I had absolutely no frame of reference for what they should have tasted like. Going in I knew that marmite was yeast extract. Similar to vegemite, but somehow different? But…what else did I know? Well, the chips smelled like dry dog food and tasted like pecan shells. I don’t what that means, exactly. They weren’t salty at all (or vinegary!), and they had kind of a dull, nutty taste.

They need to rename the (ahem) flavours:

Worcester is now “Vinegar Kick To Your Face”
Prawn Cocktail is now “Sweet Ketchup of the Sea”
Pickled Onion is now “Fucking Onion In Your Mouth”
Smoky Bacon is now “Robot Bacon”
Marmite is now “Pecan Shells & Beneful”

Delicious.

Page two…

I started tanning yesterday. I’ve only tanned once before in my life, and it was when I lived in Minnesota. I did it then because I hadn’t seen the sun in about a month and a half and my skin was literally becoming translucent. Also, my sister’s wedding was right around the corner. And as you know, those pictures last forever. Strangely enough, I really enjoyed it. Laying in a bright, warm place for even 20 minutes becomes necessary when you’ve been dealing with single digit temperatures, gray skies and constant snowfall for six months. Anyway, I wasn’t thrilled about having to start again (especially since the sun shines plenty here and it’s gonna be hot as hell before too long anyway), but I need to get a base tan before my trips. I burn easily, and the last thing I need is to fry myself on the first day in California. So I’m gonna be climbing into that neon casket for the next two weeks. Hopefully I don’t end up looking like Magda from There’s Something About Mary.

Page three…

I’m still on the workout wagon. I’ve been at it for just over a month now and have managed to shed a few pounds. I think I’m about to hit a wall though. I’m sick to death of working out and I’m sick to death of eating Healthy Choice microwave slop for lunch every day. But! I’ve got my eyes on the prize. The trip to California is now only twelve days away, and the flight to Sydney is only fifteen days away. So I’m gonna keep working out, and eating right and taking it easy on the booze. I’m sure I’ll more than make up for it when I’m on vacation. Between Disney Land, resort buffets, Portuguese Chicken outfits, Little Bear beer and our (tentative) Mexican Fiesta de Australia…well, it’s possible I’ll gain every pound back.

Healthy Snack of the Day: 100 Calorie Packs Chips Ahoy! Chewy Granola Bars

Calories: 100
Total Fat: 2.5 g
Protein: 2 g

I have to say, Nabisco’s 100 calorie granola bars are amazing. I’ve mostly been rotating between the Chips Ahoy! and Nutter Butter bars, but they’ve got an Oreo bar as well. They’re sweet, they’re chewy and they’re tasty. And they’re small. But what do you expect when they’re 100 calories? It’s got a lot of chocolate chips and actually tastes like a cookie. Well. Cookie dough. Which is better than a cookie anyway, right? I keep meaning to try out the rest of the Nabisco 100 calorie line (which is substantial), but I’m having a hard time pulling myself away from the old favorites.

Pros: Tastes like cookie dough, plenty of chocolate chips
Cons: Gone in two bites

And finally, happy 30th birthday, Marcus! I had no idea you read this. Now you have to leave a comment.

I’m Paul Harvey (pause) Good day?