Go ahead, get the eight piece. You'll get more for your money.

Well, in keeping with the theme I started by paying homage to Andy's blog (which includes possibly the worst Photoshop butchering in history. Really, it's shameful), I've decided to lift another one of his concepts. A little feature he calls "throwin' Kleinballs." So here it is, the first (and probably last) installment of Knoxballs. Knoxballs!! Umm...okay, no. I don't like the way that sounds at all. I'm going go with "makin' Knuggets" instead. So enjoy these knuggets (now made with all white meat!).

I've really been enjoying "Virtute the Cat Explains Her Departure" by the Weakerthans lately. I always enjoyed the song to begin with and it stood out any time I'd listen to the album, but it really made the leap for me when I realized it was written entirely from the perspective of a house cat. A small snippet:

When the winter took the tips of my ears
Found this noisy home full of pigeons and places to hide
And when the voices die, I emerged to watch abandoned machines
Waiting for their men to return
I remember the way I would wait for you to arrive with kibble and a box full of beer
How I'd scratch the empties desperate to hear you make the sound that you found for me

After scrapping with the ferals and the tabby,
Let you brush my matted fur
How I'd knead into your chest while you were sleeping
Shallow breathing made me purr

I'd imagine that when the song plays around the house, Virtute reacts something like this:



I watched the Notebook a couple weeks ago after Alyson left it at my apartment. It's her favorite movie. It's also my boss' favorite movie. This is one of those films (like Wet Hot American Summer and Napoleon Dynamite) that you either LOVE or HATE (to contradict myself here for second, I only sorta liked Napoleon Dynamite, but I expected to hate it. And I HATED Wet Hot American Summer).

I guess you have to be in the right frame of mind going into the Notebook (sappy/romantic/vulnerable) because I thought it was just awful. I don't think that I'm too cynical for this kind of movie either (after all, Amelie is one of my favorites). And considering the last two months of my life, I'm in exactly the right frame of mind for something like this. I was ready to watch this thing curled up in a ball, clutching my pillow, dabbing my eyes. But...it didn't happen. I think my problem was that it tried too hard. It's one of those movies that tugs at your heartstrings like they're the damn ripcord. I'm thinking in particular about the scene where older Allie is freaking out and older Noah is sitting on the bed crying helplessly while his ladylove is being restrained. At that point in the movie I was so aware of the emotional full-court press that I threw my hands up in frustration (my awareness began almost immediately when the credits revealed it was "based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks"). Anyway, I just knew (this was confirmed later by my boss) that scene was a ham-fisted attempt to make the audience cry.

I also wasn't quite sure why I was supposed to care about these people. I get it - she's "so full of life!" and he's "so adorable!" I'm sorry. That didn't get through to me. She seemed impulsive and neurotic (and selfish) and he seemed boring and free of any discernible personality. I don't know. I was pulling for them in the end, but...it just didn't do it for me. The last scene where (spoiler alert!) she pulls up to his house with her suitcases, having just chosen Noah over her fiance, was as anticlimactic as it gets. He barely reacted! Maybe I am too cynical. Moving on.

I was at Smoothie King on Saturday and as I was poking through the endless selection of granola bars and powders and drinks, I stumbled upon something called Drank (not to be confused with Purple Drank). Drank positions itself as an "anti-energy" drink and has the street-smart tagline: Slow Your Roll. My initial reaction was "why the hell would anyone want an anti-energy drink?" But then I thought about it and realized that there really is a gap in the market for this kind of thing. Think about everything someone might drink at work in a given day. Coffee, soda, Red Bull, tea...all of these things are meant to give you energy. The only "anti-energy" drinks available are alcoholic and you're probably not gonna crack open a beer at work.

But I think my original reaction was correct. Why the hell would you need an anti-energy drink? Seriously. I can't think of a reason. "Jeez, I'm getting far too much done today. I really need to slow my roll. But how?!" As far as the taste goes...I can't really say. I haven't actually drank my Drank yet. It's not that I don't want to...I just...there isn't really a time when I feel the need to slow my roll. I would drink it before bed, but it's loaded with sugar, so I feel like it might have the opposite effect. I'm assuming it has a grape taste (because of the can), but I don't know for sure. I'll open it up Sunday night and report back Monday (maybe).

I caught the most disturbing/ridiculous yet captivating short film on Turner Classic Movies last night. It was an old, old movie and the plot, in a nutshell, was this: a woman is out and about with a man, when she's confronted by her husband. The husband gets into a fight with the other man. The woman shoots the husband dead. During the murder trial, the woman tells the jury about her husband's abuse and explains that she turned to the other man in her time of need. The prosecutor is unmoved and the judge is losing his patience. Suddenly, the ghost of her husband appears in the courtroom, sending the woman into hysterics. At that moment she wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. Whew.

Not a bad plot, right? Not a great plot either. However (here's the biggie). The cast was made up completely of dogs. In costumes. It was fucking terrific. Let's go through the story again, but with visual accompaniment, shall we?

Our heroine out galavanting with another man. He looks a little confused. That or he's about to bite her face.



The husband (I love his bowler hat). His friend tries to calm him down. "Easy champ. Easy!"



This is just after the husband knocked the other man to the ground. I'm assuming this was filmed long before the "no animals were harmed during the making of this film" edict, because there's no way they got that dog into that position without a little harm. The melee surprises one of the restaurant's other patrons.





This is probably my favorite picture. The murder!



Our heroine on the witness stand.



The jury. I was particularly fond of the little, fuzzy white juror.





Our heroine says something that shocks the judge.



Her story moves the jury to tears, but the tough-as-nails prosecutor is unaffected.







Suddenly, as the jury seems poised to hand down a "not guilty" verdict, the ghost of the husband appears! This really shocks the judge.





At this point, our heroine wakes up and discovers it was all a dream. Whew.



So yeah, I stood in front of my TV giggling like a four year old and furiously snapping pictures on my camera phone. This was quite possibly the best show I'd seen in years.

So to recap the knuggets:

"Virtute the Cat Explains Her Departure:" A
"The Notebook:" D-
Drank as a concept: C- Drank as a drink: TBD
Dogs dressed as people: A+