Heading North. Going South (by Southwest)

Alright, so Andy wasn't a fan of my new blog title, "There Will Be Blog." To be honest, I never loved it that much myself. Just felt like changing things up. As you can see.

So yes, South By Southwest is officially underway! Last year SXSW just happened to intersect with the NCAA tournament and St. Patrick's Day. Not so this year. St. Patrick's Day is on Monday (drag) and the opening round of the tournament isn't until next Thursday. So, in theory, I should be able to focus exclusively on shows, right? Wellll. I don't know. I feel like tying myself down with an itinerary would...well...tie me down. Assigning myself to certain places at certain times can only add unneeded stress and things are always more fun if you have a little freedom. So my plan is to have no plan. That being said, there are a couple of bands I'm interested in seeing.

Bon Iver - I heard a snippet about him this morning on NPR:

Bon Iver’s Justin Vernon recorded For Emma, Forever Ago in a Wisconsin cabin, during a winter spent regrouping after a string of personal and professional setbacks. In between wood-chopping expeditions, Vernon single-handedly crafted nine fragile, rustic, bracingly beautiful songs, each of which hits like a punch in the heart. Best of all is “Skinny Love,” a cry for help that’s both tuneful and agonizingly sad.

First off, if you know me at all, you know how much I love sad bastard music. This is being described as a "punch in the heart." Secondly, considering my own recent personal setback (which I've detailed far too extensively already and will detail more at the end of this entry, actually), I'm looking forward to hearing something "fragile" and "beautiful." Please swing by the show to pick me up off the floor, where I'll be sobbing gently and clutching a beer bottle.

Beirut - I don't know much about these guys. I heard one of their songs on the Rice U radio station and really liked it, and have liked everything I've heard since. They've got a quintessentially indie sound.

Rogue Wave - I've really been enjoying their Descended Like Vultures album lately. Especially "Publish My Love" and "California." I'm excited for this one.

So that's my entire agenda. Hang out with Leigh (when she has time), see some bands, see all of my lovely Austin friends, drink too much, get some sun, soak in Austin and head on home. It's already shaping up to be a very good weekend.

I do have an actual update on the Donna thing (not just more "you know what I've noticed?" rambling). I saw her on Sunday (sorry Eric. I was in no mood to talk about it Sunday night, which is why I lied and said I didn't see her). Anyway, having spent Saturday and Sunday in Austin for some family fun time, I called her when I got back into town at around 5:30. Voicemail. She called me back at around 6:30 and said she was on her way to her aunt's for the night and it probably wasn't a good idea for us to meet up. I asked her to reconsider and told her I really wanted to see her. So she pulled into a Starbucks to wait for me (it would've driven me crazy had I not seen her. I mean, she was in Houston). Anyway, our conversation was civil. I was actually feeling pretty relaxed and comfortable. We ran through the standard checklist: how is school, how's the job, how's your family, etc, and sporadically we'd start talking about our relationship and then we'd change the subject. Then we'd talk about it again then we'd change the subject. I told her things, she told me things. It felt like a productive conversation. Then we said goodbye and when I sat in my car, out of nowhere, without warning, I crumbled.

Here's the thing. When she and I first broke up, a part of me welcomed it. Anything was better than the frustration/anxiety/uncertainty I had been feeling. And part of me thought, "alright, we're breaking up. Here comes the anguish and heartbreak. Let's see what all the fuss is about." So when it started to hurt, I was upset, but I also felt comforted because it confirmed that I really could love someone else.

I didn't welcome the feeling I had Sunday at all. We had a long hug goodbye and I kissed her on the forehead. When I sat down in my car I was blindsided with this urge to cry and throw up. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't necessarily think it was because I was upset. I think I was just overwhelmed - I mean, I thought about her every second I was awake for six weeks, only talking to her briefly once, so when I had a chance to sit and talk with her (and see her, and hear her laugh, and touch her) I was just...overwhelmed.

Anyway, when I got home I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels at a blistering pace (I was like a damn meth addict). I couldn't concentrate on anything and I had all this anxiety. So I turned to the drink. And eleven beers and a glass of whiskey later, I went to bed. The thing that's made this so difficult is that she's not giving me anything. Usually when you break up, both parties have their weak moments - late night text messages, ill-advised emails, occasional "I miss you" voicemails. But she's being so strong. You know how sometimes you act a certain way based on how the other person is acting? Like if someone is panicked, you're forced to be "the calm one" out of necessity? It's like after I sent her that first e-mail where I poured my heart out, she just snapped into this mode - coldly, quietly moving through the healing process. It's been good, in that she's not giving me any false hope. But on the other hand, it feels like she's not hurting at all.

Anyway, here's the funny thing. After my first few beers on Sunday night, I started feeling pretty good. And Monday morning I felt completely normal (if not a little tired). Occasionally I would think about her and my stomach would burn, but after running our little encounter through my head a few times, the burning stopped completely (side note: you know that old "cut on the roof of your mouth" test to tell what kind of person you are? Either you leave it alone because it hurts or you poke it with your tongue because you're an idiot? I'm definitely the kind of person who will poke and poke and poke and poke and poke the damn thing til it goes away). As of Tuesday, I was completely back to normal. Granted, the weight definitely has not been lifted yet, but I'm comfortable. It wasn't closure, but it was something. Who the hell knows.

And I'm still dating the girl from my office. And it's still a nice distraction. She's coming over Thursday night. Let the good times start again.