"Marriage is built on paranoia and mistrust. I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she wakes up out of dead sleep to say, 'Where are you going?' Why, to have sex with the midget I store in the medicine closet."
Tom Papa
"Now they're saying cigarettes can cause cancer of the cervix. I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth."
Fiona O'Loughlin
"I thought that maybe the Muslim women, instead of wearing the head-to-toe burka thing, they could wear Disney character suits. So that way, they're covered, and it's a little more fun."Frank Skinner
"Why is sex always better in a hotel? Is it because you're with a hooker?"Jimmy Carr
"I was just at the airport. Those treadmills they've got are huge."Jimmy Carr
"A unitard. Sounds like a special-needs kid with a horn."Jimmy Carr
"My friend said, 'You have to read this book; it's a page turner.' Well, I know how books work."Jimmy Carr
"In Australia, they sell Coon cheese in the supermarket. They say, 'It's just a name.' Well, Ku Klux Klan is just a name and they don't sell pillow cases ... though it would be funny if they did."Stephen K. Amos
"I'm proud of my grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Unfortunately, this was in 1972, but you can never be too careful."John Moloney
"In Dubai, I got a throat infection and I coughed up phlegm and accidentally ordered a taxi to the airport."Sean Meo
"Get a copy of the Quran and you'll always get a seat on the bus. Add a rucksack and sandals and you can drive the damn thing."
Sean Meo
"The pedophile alarm clock goes off when the big hand is on the little hand."
Frank Skinner
"My wife thinks a B&B is a romantic getaway. I think it's creepy, sharing coffee with strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before."Tom Papa
"You know you're fat when you drop something and say, 'Do I need that?' "Robert Kelly
"I drank and smoked during pregnancy and then I read the pamphlet and called my mum and said, 'Don't bother to knit the sleeves.' "Fiona O'Loughlin
"In the German lottery, they don't pick six winning numbers. No, they eee-eliminate 43 numbers."Danny Bhoy
"Over 100 metres, crocodiles are faster than horses. Don't know how many horses it took to prove that."
Danny Bhoy
"There are no good roles for Indians in Hollywood, unless you're shooting at Jack Bauer or looking for White Castle."Mark Saldana
"Ever question a bill in a Chinese restaurant? 'I didn't eat triangle, square, square.' "Jo Koy
"Just saw the pope on TV. Anyone else get nervous watching a German guy on a balcony addressing a crowd of 200,000?"Nick DiPaolo
"I just had to fly down to Florida. But it was half-business, half-pleasure. I had to put my mother in a nursing home."Dave Attell
"Heard a report about Lindsay Lohan getting busted with coke in her car. That's a story? Call me when they find a book in her car."Dave Attell
"There's a reason they call it space. If there was something there they'd call it stuff."Joey Kola on massive spending on the space program
"My father was a compulsive gambler. We were rich seven times."
Mike DiStefano
"I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box, so I wrote 'Free Tibet'."Mike DiStefano
"Black guys seem to like me. Sometimes I feel like a chubby white girl."
Mike DiStefano
"I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her, 'It's not you, it's me. I hate you.' "
Mike DiStefano
"My parents made us take Latin. It comes in handy if someone in the family gets possessed."Kathleen Madigan
"A lot of people ask, 'What would Jesus do?' It's harder when your role model is Zeus. You see a pretty girl and ask, 'What would Zeus do? Turn into a swan and rape her?' "Sean Cullen
"What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears."
Eugene Mirman
And now a Zach Galifinakis quote parade...
"I've always wanted to own a maternity shop. I'd call it: We're Fucked."
"Just read about that kid who had sex with his teacher. He just died from high-fiving."
"Just saw the Spin Doctors in concert. They were covering their own material."
"The word 'abbreviation' sure is long for what it means."
"I ate a foot-long corn-dog on a nude beach once, but I'll never do it again. And why I put mayonnaise on it I'll never know."
"Only thing that's worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love. That's why I no longer eat raisins."
"The only time it's cool to yell 'I have diarrhea!' is when you're playing Scrabble."
"I have a DVD out. It's selling like the opposite of whatever hot cakes is."
"At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted? At 7, I think, before he says I don't look like the Kiwanis Club."
"I was in my hotel room today, Febreezing my beard."
"I went to my high school reunion a while back, which was weird because I was home schooled."
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