Cupid Come to Town 2008

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive.
- O.A. Battista

I love you all! So, today is Valentine's Day, and I am without a Valentine. In case you didn't know this, I recently broke up with my girlfriend (that was a joke). I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do tonight. I know I'm gonna go home and work out, then have some soup-for-one, chicken-for-one, something-for-one, then probably drown my sorrows with the other lonely bastards in my life. Hmm...So I guess I know exactly what I'm going to do tonight. To be honest, I'm really looking forward to it! So to celebrate this day of love, I've decided to do a little Thursday mailblog! I love you!

When are you coming to Austin? I got you amazing sunglasses while I was in New York, so you need to come get them. Also, do you like Rolling Stone? They keep sending me their damn magazines.
Beth R.
Austin, TX

It's true, I haven't been to Austin in quite awhile. In fact...thinking, thinking...I haven't been there since the day after Christmas! Wow! I'm not sure when I'm gonna be up there again. I was kicking around the idea of coming this weekend, but it's gonna be all sloppy/rainy and that's no fun. I will definitely be up there SXSW weekend. I still haven't had a chance to dig all the way through the line-up (it's unimaginably long), but it's one of my favorite weekends of the year, so I'll be there.

Now onto part two of your question...ah, thank you for getting me some sunglasses! I bought this pair of sunglasses at H&M when I was there last, and they've since been abused to the point that one lens sticks halfway out and the whole pair sits crooked on my nose. So I needed new ones. But H&M doesn't sell anything online (which is kinda brilliant but also annoying).

I keep getting issues of Rolling Stone too!! Did someone order us gift subscriptions and never tell us about it? I keep meaning to call the subscription department but I'm too lazy. My problem with Rolling Stone is that they're so out of touch with the rest of the world in terms of new music! Now, I'm pretty out of touch myself; I've fallen behind in keeping up with what's "cool," but these guys are in a whole 'nother league. Their cover subjects for 2007:

January: James Brown. To be fair, he had just died. So I'll save my "since when has he been relevant?!" comments. Ahem. But still.

February 8: Panic! At the Disco. I don't know. This feels like a half-assed attempt at "look! We care about what the kids are listening to!" Although, the cover also features a tease for an article called "Van Halen Reunion. Can Eddie and Dave Bury the Hatchet?"

February 27: The cover story is "The New Guitar Gods" and features a picture of John Mayer, John Frusciante and Derek Trucks (side note: I had to google this guy to find out who he was. I assumed he was the guitar player for one of those top 40 RAWK bands. Nope. He's in a band called "The Derek Trucks Band.")

March 8: Fall Out Boy, including a shirtless Pete Wentz. Not sure what they're going for here - possibly a desperate attempt to steal some circ numbers from Tiger Beat? Also, there's a teaser on the cover that says "The Police Reunite."

March 27: Ten Years of South Park. People still watch this show, so I'm okay with that. Wait, a TV show?

April 8: Pink Floyd. With a teaser that says, "New Clues to JFK's Murder?" Seriously, if the White Stripes and Chris Daughtry weren't also mentioned on the cover, this could have been from April 1974.

April 19: "Grindhouse" cover with Rosario Dawson and Rose McGowan. This was a pretty popular movie, I guess, so I'm okay with that. Wait, a movie?

May 16: Johnny Depp and Keith Richards. Keith Richards!

May 30: Amy Winehouse. Okay, it's May and we're finally getting to a cover that makes sense.

June 28: The Police. Do I even need to say anything here?

August 9: Guns n' Roses. Or here?

August 23: Zac Efron. Er...I'm not quite sure how to react to this one. If the star of Disney's High School Musical is gracing the cover of your magazine, you've died in my eyes.

September 6: Maroon 5. Hey, now they're reaching out to the VH1 set!

September 20: Kanye West and 50 Cent. The requisite hip hop cover.

October 4: Hunter S. Thompson. I'm glad they honored him with the cover. I really am. But. I don't know. He was at the height of his notoriety in the 70's and 80's!

October 18: Kid Rock. Hmm...okay, not quite sure what to say here. Nice job?

November 1: Bruce Springsteen. Again, do I need to say anything here?

November 29: Jay-Z. There you go!! A relevant artist! Hooray Rolling Stone! Now if you keep this up two issues in a row, I might reconsider my stance.

December 13: Led Zepplin. Nevermind.

Let's say there's a red button in front of you. If you push this red button a significant paradigm will shift in your life, but it's your choice to push it or not. Let's say that if you push this button, you will have the love of your life (any girl, or boy, or girl, geez...gay's mess everything up) completely and totally devoted to you for the rest of your life. This person will never get old, they will never annoy you, their little idiosyncrasies will be nothing short of charming to you, they will keep "it" exciting, you will find yourself supremely attracted to this person in every possible way (and they you), physically, mentally, spiritually. Their humor is unrivaled, and the sex is incomprehensibly superb. In fact, it brings you to the verge of passing out every time. If you decide on children, your offspring will be defect free, intelligent, and athletically dominant. This person is only rivaled by Jesus in perfection, and this person will never let you down. You will be overly satisfied in every way possible. It will be the bright spot of your life, and you will be completely convinced this person validates your purpose for existence.

However, in exchange for this otherworldly love, you will find that every other member of the opposite sex finds you consummately repulsive. They will not only find you awkward, they will avoid you like a leper. You will not be attractive, or humorous, or interesting in any form or fashion. Even benign conversation will be too much to handle for every other member of the opposite sex. On occasion, as you pass by the opposite sex (or same sex for the gays) they will indiscriminately vomit at your passing. They will look at you with a look of total disgust reserved on for the likes of Hitler, Pol Pot, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Barry Bonds. You will have to endure their incessant harsh criticisms whether they are warranted or not. You can never, ever flirt with another girl again because they find you utterly heinous. You will have to endure this for the rest of your life. Members of the same sex will see you in the exact same light if you hadn't pressed the button. They will see you for how you are with no distort on their views of you. You won't have your sexuality questioned because you already have the perfect girl (in every way), but they will find it somewhat odd that other women are so repulsed by you.

Do you press that button?
Cory R.
Austin, TX

Yes. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Hmmm...no. No, I don't. Wait, she's perfect? Then yes. And I can still show her off to my guy friends because they don't vomit indiscriminately when I walk by? Then yes. Wait, is my mom repulsed by me? Hmm...this is a tough one. I'd be really, really happy when I was home, but I'd be miserable when I was out and about. I'd have to get a job with absolutely no women (in a prison?!) and I'd be unwilling to leave the house once I got home. Ummm...but I'd be SO happy! Shit.

My philosophy in life has always been "why the hell not?" and I'm definitely gonna be the guy who dies because he just haaaad to poke his head out to see what all that racket was. But I don't think so. I wouldn't press it. I can find someone nice without all that.

Speaking of Miles, I recall he had an interesting habit of being a "napkin whore." Meaning by the end of his meal, he would have about 20 wadded up napkins on his plate, roughly one napkin per bite of food. In the spirit of weird habits, is there something you do during meals that other people might find unusual? I, myself, don't eat the ends of french fries. I will bite one end and then discard the half-inch of fry that I use to hold it.
Stevo
The United States of Whatever

I should mention that I coined the phrase "napkin whore," because I myself use an inconceivable number of napkins during a meal. I just ate a Healthy Choice Pizza at my desk and somehow went through seven napkins. I don't know why this is. I tend to get things into my mouth, not onto my mouth. I guess I use a lot of napkin surface area when I'm wiping my mouth. If you're serving me buffalo wings you might as well just bring a roll of paper towels too.

Did you ever inject Roger Clemens with performance enhancing drugs?
Dave E.
New York, NY

No, I did not. But I did watch part of the Congressional hearing on C-SPAN last night. First off, I'd like to reiterate just how unfortunate Henry Waxman's face is. Also, I don't believe a word Roger Clemens is saying. He lied after the Mitchell Report came out because he's been lying about it all along and it was his initial reaction. But now his lie has gotten bigger, and he's having to address specific evidence and the guy who shot him with steroids. It's all pointless, because the burden of proof isn't on him. So unless he tests positive for steroids now, it'll all just be speculation and hearsay. Legal terminology! Weeee!! Delegatus non potest delegare! Nemo judex in parte sua! Nunc pro tunc!!! Okay, I'll stop.