I would like to call attention to the lack of original material on this blog! It seems as though all we hear from you is when you're answering our inane questions; and they are pretty inane! Maybe, I blame us. That's right. Us. We've made your brain mush from having to dredge through our slop and treat these moronic inquiries with seriousness they do not deserve. Robert, we apologize. But just before you kick the habit.....
Robert: Pitch me a new half-hour sitcom.
Dave E.
New York, NY
Yeah, this blog has become nothing more than a weekly mailbag, hasn't it. Well, I should have more to write about soon (more on that later), so hopefully the frequency of the postings will spike. Until then, you get to hear about my favorite lunchmeats and thoughts on Sam's pooping schedule.
If you're creating a sitcom you have to start with a location, right? Head of the Class, the Office, Cheers, Taxi, Night Court...the setting was critical! I think pretty much every setting imaginable has been used for a sitcom (aside from maybe a pirate ship?), so there's nothing too obvious that sticks out. A post office?
Alright, the show is called "Sunshine Station." A small post office in suburban Chicago. This show would probably air on CBS...in 1989. Our cast includes:
Randall - the curmudgeonly patriarch that's been running this post office for decades
Louise - the sassy back-talkin' black lady whose catch phrase will be "Chiiiiild, you ain't lyin'!"
Tim - our hero. The young aspiring novelist whose ambition is matched only by his ineptitude with the ladies
Kathryn - Tim's love interest/friend (think Pam from the Office)
Padraig - the Scottish janitor
Santos - the mustachioed amateur philosopher and voice of reason
How could this not be a hit? You could make anthrax jokes and "going postal" jokes and you could have a Christmas episode with Santa coming in to pick up a package and you could even have a "very special episode" when a little boy tries to mail a letter to Jesus asking for help with his alcoholic father!
Have you noticed that all of the movies that are about High School and College never resemble what school was really like? If I tried to do any of the crap Ferris Buller did, I would get busted before I made it out of bed that morning. In anticipation to the release of the movie "Superbad", which follows in the footsteps of "School" flicks like: The Breakfast Club, Old School, Animal House and the American Pie movies, if you were on a desert island......w/ a TV and DVD player, what "School" movie would you choose as your one and only?
Steven B
Galaxy High
In 1998, my senior year of high school, Can't Hardly Wait was released. This made me happy. The class of 98 had their own movie! And it was funny and awesome and kinda sweet and just good (who couldn't empathize with Preston?). They captured the late-nineties high school stereotypes perfectly, and whether they knew it or not at the time, ended up creating a really great time capsule for 1998 (music, clothes, slang, whatever).
A year later, American Pie was released. It pushed the envelope way more than Can't Hardly Wait and was way more honest about teenage sexuality (not to mention Chris Owen's character in American Pie was infinitely more interesting than his character in Can't Hardly Wait). Anyway, it ended up making Can't Hardly Wait feel kinda old-fashioned and sterile. So, damn you, class of 99. I still haven't gotten over that one. Things could be worse, I suppose. Can't Hardly Wait could have come out a year earlier and I'd be stuck talking about 10 Things I Hate About You or She's All That. Best high school movie: Can't Hardly Wait (Fuck you, American Pie). Best college movie: Animal House. If I had to pick one....I guess I'm gonna go with Can't Hardly Wait. Go figure.
Is there a mathematical formula that tells a guy a minimum age of a girl that he can hit on without it being gross and creepy? I ask because myself and another that you know very well fell in love with a girl who was 19 last night. I heard that if you divide your age by 2 and add 7 that was a safe age to shoot for. Your thoughts?
Matt H.
Austin, TX (for the time being)
Let's see...divide by two....add seven...gives us....twenty and a half. Hmm...considering people stop adding "and a half" to their ages around the time they turn four, I can probably round down, right? Or up? Okay, I'm rounding up. Twenty one. Wow.
Why is it that a 43 year old would sleep with a 19 year old without thinking twice, but a 26 year old hesitates? Is it because you lose any and all shame after you turn 40? Is it because a 40 year old would be astounded at his good fortune for being in a position to sleep with a 19 year old?
I'm glad you asked this because I've sorta begun dating a 21 year old (which, according to the formula, doesn't make me a creep). She's really sweet. And smart. And refined. And cute. And she has good taste in music. However. She's still 21 years old and sometimes that comes across. I mean, it's cute that she has an inexhaustable supply of energy. After a late night, I might need a night off. All she needs is a couple hours of sleep and a trip to Taco Bell.
There are occasional awkward silences. We probably don't have too much in common. She'll write me text messages like "you are lucky, there is one cupcake left and they didn't go bad! I hope work hasn't been too bad, at least now you have something to be excited about." And I'll reply with (paraphrasing here) "Hooray! Cupcake!" What the?! I feel like I'm watching "To Catch a Predator" and Chris Hansen is reading a transcript of our conversation over a graphic of a creepy silhouette on his computer.
This past weekend we were out pretty late, and I had to drive her home. Since she's only here for the summer, she's staying with her parents. So I dropped her off (I had to take the back way so they didn't see me. Groan.) and apparently her parents were none too happy with her for coming home so late. So they threatened to take away her car. When she told me that I thought, "Oh no! I feel terrible! Because of me she might get her car taken aw....waitaminute. Her parents are threatening to take her car away! How old am I?! What is going on here?! What's next? They'll ground her and I'll have to throw acorns at her window so she can sneak out?!"
Anyway, I can't complain. I haven't had a "whirlwind summertime romance" since...well, ever. And it's been fun. And I'm gonna miss her. But yes, the "divide by two, add seven" formula works for me. It may not be creepy, but it's still gonna be a tad challenging.
What day and time do you finally move back to New York City?
Regan M.
Brooklyn, NY
Do you have something you'd like to tell us?
Dave E.
New York, NY
Where is Robert?
Beth R.
Austin, TX
Well, this is as good a time as any to formally announce the worst-kept secret ever. I'm moving back to New York. Hooray! If you know me, then you know I love that place (and won't shut up about it). I feel like I left too soon, so I'm headed back to give it another go. So, starting September 4th, this blog will be New York-based. Which makes it more credible, right? It's only a matter of time before I'm yapping about Paris Hilton on VH1's "Biggest Celebrity C-words?" No?
I love Austin and I loved living here. Eric, Cory, Beth, Mike, Megan and Kalinda are in my pantheon of all-time awesome people. They can't be replaced. Nor can the girl who peed on me and punched me in the face for no reason. Where will I find a girl to punch me in the face in New York (don't answer that)? See you soon, city! Got a question? MemoirsMailbag@gmail.com
8 comments:
fuck yes. that's all.
re: dating young girls. none of it is that creepy age-wise. i mean, they're legal after 18, so whatever. i think what is so groan-worthy is that like you and donna (was i not supposed to say her name?) is that any girl under the age of 23-24 really has nothing to talk about! come on! if her parents can take away her car/allowance/etc then she's too young for ya'll skeezy pervs!
megan (1st string)
I gotta say, you've been slacking the past couple of weeks. Where's the substance?
-Anonymous twin brother
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY you're coming back!! Oh yeah, I have a shit ton of CDs to give you (okay, like five and counting), should I mail them or just hold onto them until you get here?
Also, remember that time we went to happy hour at Brother Jimmy's and ended up closing down the bar, and Megan and I made fun of you when you were hitting on some girl and she stuck a fake lizard in your shirt, and you gave us this huge ridiculous sigh and rolled your eyes like "OH MY GOD YOU ARE RUINING MY GAME, LADIES." And then I called in drunk and you still made it to work? Because I have no idea how you did that but I still think you're a total badass for that.
Also, I'm pretty sure it's totes obvs that I'm on the early end of that "23-24" that Megan references, but I'd like to think I have more to talk about than cupcakes. Though I do watch The Hills and reference my sorority days far too often. Goddamnit.
my eyes got sting-y when I actually read, in print, you're leaving. Seriously.
I get first dibs on NY visit.
The Capeetan
Will you be in New York over Christmas between the 19th and the 25th. Along with Frosty the Santa Jesus Baby, Lindi and I will be there. Let me know.
I told you to tell me how much you wanted for you car!! Tell the big E and I will pass it along to Rana.
Am I the only one who thinks the Statue of Liberty looks like Ashton Kutcher?
Cory
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