Happy 100th!

Well, this officially marks the 100th posting on this blog! Here are some quotes that I enjoyed from the past. This is the blog-equivalent of a clip show, I suppose. Appropriate since I'm about to start a new chapter. Enjoy!

December 10, 2004 - On Christmas Music...
Anyway, I just wanted to say that The Twelve Days of Christmas should never, ever be played. Ever. I swear, that song never ends. It's cute until you get to about "six geese a laying." By that point in the song, you've restlessly slurped the end of your candy cane into a point, and are ready to shove it into your eye.

December 15, 2004 - On crapping(?!)...
Is there a worse feeling in the world than overflowing a toilet at someone else's house? It's like you're saying, "I produce huge crap, therefore I am an incompetent person. Pity me."

December 20, 2004 - Regan vs. Egg Nog...
So, Saturday afternoon at about 2:00, Regan and I decided to buy Santa hats. Then in the spirit of the season, we bought some egg nog. Then to further retard ourselves, we bought a bottle of whiskey. We spent the afternoon drinking spiked egg nog, and watching our Santa hats slide into more crooked and ridiculous positions on our heads. At around 8:00, we headed downtown for a show, and as we were walking down the street, Regan's egg nog turned on him. Up until then, I'd never seen a grown man run down the street, holding the back his pants like a five year old. It was awesome.

January 3, 2005 - On New Year's...
Well, New Years is officially over. Another year gone, another year started with a hangover. Drinking champagne is a bad idea. The midnight toast should be with coffee, or cold showers, or Tylenol. By 12:00 you're already way too drunk anyway, and by adding a glass of dangerously tasty, sneakily alcoholic champagne into the mix, you're asking for trouble. And by "trouble," I mean "projectile vomiting."

January 24, 2005 - On snowstorms...
Anyway, the cold snow combined with warming alcohol had a very noticeable effect on the party goers. People were downright frisky. Someone I know decided to have some sex in the bathroom. Other people ducked into the laundry room. Apparently, every couch in the apartment was used for gettin' down at some point in the night. The mood of the party was really sexually charged. It was like we were at the Playboy mansion. I wish it would snow 18 inches every weekend.

February 16, 2005 - On Valentine's Day...
My problem with Valentine's Day is that every guy starts the day in the doghouse. They haven't done anything to deserve it, and they're not in trouble. It's not like they're in the "accidentally called her by the ex-girlfriend's name" doghouse. But we're all expected to make an effort. Flowers, dinner, gift of something shiny, cuddle-time, etc...Which is fine. Personally, I enjoy buying flowers for a girl. It just takes away from the surprise when they're not only hoping for it, but expecting it. But, I won't go on about it for too long, I like Valentine's Day, it's just kinda a dirty trick. It's the calendar equivalent of that asshole on the sidewalk that walks up to you with a bunch of single roses and says, "Rose for the lady?" So, yes, I glare at Valentine's Day and mutter about it as I'm pulling my wallet out of my back pocket, but I also like trying to make it memorable.

September 20, 2005 - On things I like...
Things I like...Avacados, Washington Square Park on a sunny day, "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap, "Safe and Sound" by Azure Ray, "Seek and Destroy" by Metallica (but just the opening riff), waking up on Saturday morning without a hangover, laying on the couch all day with a hangover, Lisa, College Gameday, watching two seconds of The Golden Girls, peanut butter, text messages, downtown Minneapolis, Rice Village, Greenville, The Depot, Greenwich Village, Ben Folds, sleep, picking up the guitar and always starting with a C, playing the same four songs I've written over and over, the idea that I'll one day move back to Texas with some sort of success in my back pocket, They Might Be Giants, New York pizza, Philly cheesesteaks, California Rolls, payday (the day, not the candy bar), exercising, being lazy, getting drunk, the sculpture garden at the MoMA, the majesticly old buildings on Fifth Ave., the crappily old buildings in the East Village, brown eyes, empty movie theatres, Christmas music, cool spring days, cold winter days, people laughing, making people laugh, making people laugh their ass off, laughing my ass off with someone else, long drives, long walks (not on the beach), knowing the bartender, having the bartender know (and like) you, New York Magazine, Texas Monthly, Pitchforkmedia.com's record reviews, chips and salsa, staying up all night, naps, frisbee in the park, football in the park, day drinking, winning at cards, winning at dominoes, having the sex, being STD-free despite some questionable decisions (I'll leave it at that), girls with European accents, girls with Louisiana accents, girls who are genuinely funny, friends that get me, my twin, weekends, Dr. Pepper and friendly dogs that don't lick.

November 16, 2005 - On workplace communication...
My bosses are ridiculous. We had a meeting, and the one boss says to me and the other boss, “do you guys understand what your next steps are?” We nod, he looks directly at me, I nod more emphatically. He asks me, “Mr. Knox, do you understand what your next steps are?” I pause, and try to wipe the look of contempt of my face while saying, “yeah, I got it.” I get back to my desk. Phone rings. It’s my other boss. “So, do you understand what your next steps are?” He then starts listing what my next steps are, but I’ve completely tuned him out. I want to hang up on him and quit that second.

February 4, 2006 - On finding a roommate...
I've got a place in the East Village now. I met the guy through craigslist. It's amazing how trusting people in this city are. We met once? For about ten minutes? Sure we can share a shower! I'm sure I'll wake up to find my roommate standing over me with a roll of electrical tape and a pick-ax, but until that day comes, I'm happy as a clam.

February 8, 2006 - On musical instruments...
I'm glad cello is having its moment in the sun right now. I always loved songs with cello. I swear, there's a muscle in my eyebrows that responds exclusively to that instrument. When a band is playing a beautiful song, and the cellist is pulling this long, gorgeous note, my eyebrows follow along. Like the bow is attached to a nerve in my face. I can't think of any other instrument that has that correlation. Well, maybe the banjo to my toes and the washboard to my hips. If there's ever a band with a banjo, washboard and cello, I am severely screwed. People will think I'm having a seizure.

February 28, 2006 - On my chronic Hypochondria...
I've been bedridden for the past two days. For awhile I thought I had the flu. My head hurt, I was fatigued, my throat hurt, I was phlegmy, I was dizzy, etc, etc... Of course, I do have a tendency to diagnose myself without getting an actual doctor's opinion. And, of course, it's always a misdiagnosis to the most absurd degree. In college, after I had this bizarre affliction where the strep throat had settled into my joints, I was convinced I had bone cancer. I was sure of it. I quickly downgraded myself to gout, but I was still certain I'd be crippled in no time. Earlier this year, I was convinced my hard-drinking days had finally led to liver failure (I had a pulled muscle). This past fall, I was ready to go public as one of the few men willing to raise awareness for the cause of male breast cancer (I had a cyst, which is little more than a pimple under your skin). So, I won't be silly this time. I've weighed the symptoms, and done the research. I clearly have the bird flu. It was nice to know you all.

March 2, 2006 - On real afflictions...
Well, I somehow hit the trifecta. Tonsilitis, pharyngitis and strep throat. Basically, some very well organized germs formed a colony in my throat with unprecedented success. In fact, I hear they're having elections next week.

December 7, 2006 - On The Biggest Loser...
So, who watched the Biggest Loser last night?! Nobody? That show is amazing. Long ago, I stopped watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition because I hated that I always got a lump in my throat at the end of every episode (they tug at your heart-strings like it's the goddamn ripcord); but I must say, Biggest Loser has been getting me week in and week out. In what other reality show do the contestants actually pull for each other?! I've never heard someone say, "I hope that fat bitch gains 30 pounds this week." Nor have I ever seen contestants spiking each other's food with MSG or replacing their toothpaste with cake frosting.

April 2, 2007 - On leaving a voicemail...
Ring...ring...ring...ring...Now, at this point, my heart is sort of pounding. It's one of those things where you get yourself all ready to be charming and funny, and you're hoping they'll answer, but after about the third ring you start rehearsing the voicemail you plan to leave, which hopefully is also charming and funny, and by the fourth and fifth ring, you're hoping to god they don't answer, because now you're in full-fledged voicemail mode? This is how my brain works. Anyway, she didn't answer. I left a voicemail. And then I waited.

April 3, 2007 - On listening to sad music...
I'm the kind of person who is prone to listening to sad, slow, acoustic, cry-myself-to-sleep music. A little "White Daisy Passing" here, a little Jose' Gonzalez there. A sprinkle of Sigur Ros to take me to new, self-pitying lows (you're not even required to retrofit your own problems into whatever lyrics you're hearing. You can just assume the sad, melodic aural dreamscape was written precisely to define the agony of losing your mail key).

April 10, 2007 - On job interviews...
This morning I had a job interview, which I probably tanked. I suck at job interviews. My answers sound rehearsed (since they are), my mouth dries out, I can't put anything into words and I probably say at least one or two things that could lead them to believe I'm retarded. I especially hate the five or ten minutes of waiting in the lobby for the interview. I don't know about you, but I get unnaturally fidgety. I must have adjusted my shirt sixty times while I was standing there. I was like Nomar Garciaparra in a tie. I couldn't sit still. And does anyone else stroll around the lobby area studying the art work on the walls? Why do I do that? Like they're going to walk in and say, "you've got a good eye. You know what, let's not worry about the interview. We'd like to make you an offer."

April 17, 2007 - On drinking too much...
Saturday morning I was Robert. I didn't go out Friday night, I did my laundry, I went to bed early, I had a somewhat nice breakfast (never order lox at Einstein Brothers, by the way) in the morning, I felt like a million bucks. Then at around 4:00, as we approached Ft. Worth, the boozing started. And so my IQ began its slow decline into single digits. By Saturday night I was Tyra Banks. By Sunday afternoon I was Paris Hilton. By Sunday night I was Muhammad Ali. By Monday morning I was Terri Shiavo.

April 20, 2007 - On marijuana...
So, it's April 20th, which means my brother is probably working on his fifth pan of pot brownies. HAHAHA!! Richard, I kid. Do people really smoke a lot of green weed on 4/20? Is it like Cinco De Mayo where you'll order a Corona even though it tastes like puppy breath? I don't know. I've never been much of a smoker. I think I'm immune to its efffects, so why bother. Although, if I could replace most of the beer in my system with marijuana, I might not look so frightening without my shirt on. Though, that's not true either. I could picture myself, high as a giraffe's ass, smearing peanut butter over a pile of leftover chow mein, and washing it down with the pint of expired creamer that's been in the back of my fridge since October. Maybe I'll stick to booze after all.

April 30, 2007 - On rainy Mondays...
The weather is disgusting today. Appropriate for a Monday, I suppose. You could argue that a beautiful sunshiny Monday is no better, since you're stuck at work anyway. At least with a sunny day, my thought process would be "jeez, I wish I didn't have to work today," whereas today it's "I hope a meteor crashes through the ceiling and kills me."

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