Back to School Mailblog!

It's amazing how much more relaxing work is after you've put in your two weeks notice. It's not that I don't care anymore or that I've stopped working. It's just that I know the end is near, so I'm not getting stressed out about anything. My last day is next Friday. They have a pretty relaxed dress code here (I'm wearing shorts and flip flops right now), but I may test the limits of that policy over the next week. I may show up in a bathrobe tomorrow. Maybe a diaper on Friday. Perhaps I'll show up wearing nothing but a ball gag and a dollop of sour cream on my last day. The possibilities are endless!

While I google ridiculous outfits please enjoy today's mailblog.

So you know how a butt ugly guy can pick up a guitar and if he can decently play some Sublime song or a chord from Dave Matthews Band, he will totally get laid? You know it's like Shallow Hal where the guy can have buck teeth and look like an Ewok but the minute he puts on that guitar and sings a little ditty girls start dropping their panties and making excuses for why he is so hot now.

Well does the same formula apply to butt ugly girls? If a not so pretty girl can sing and play an instrument does that turn her into the hottest thing around?
Kellie T.
Dallas, TX

I'm sorry, if a guy picks up a guitar and plays a Sublime song, you want to sleep with him? A stoner in a bean bag chair rocking "Smoke Two Joints" will actually change your opinion of him in a positive way?! Meh. To each his own.

Yes, absolutely this formula applies to both sexes. There was a girl in Lubbock, and I wish I could remember her name, who was nice, not especially gorgeous, but she was incredible at guitar. And she would play parties. I loved her. Piano, harp, guitar, washboard, whatever. Talent is definitely sexy on everyone. That doesn't just apply to music either. Finding out someone is really good at something adds this unexpected layer of depth that you may not have seen before. Unless they're a really, really kickass bowler. That might be confusing.

What is the first thing you plan on doing once you land in NYC? (Outside of the obligatory keg stand that I'll have waiting outside the terminal, equipped with three co-eds clad with wet white t-shirts, Jonathan pouring sparks on his head, Sam passed out in the corner with a bowl of salad, Robert Goulet dressed as Andy Klein, Dave and Erin making out, Choke Punch and Me with a santa's hat on, of course...)
Regan M.
Brooklyn, NY

Wow! If that's waiting for me at JFK, I should be able to do my kegstand, clean the orange stain off of Jonathan's face with a mom-like "lick the thumb" face wipe, tap Sam on the head and tell him to go to bed, coolly high five Andy without saying a word, pat Dave on the rear, pat Erin on the shoulder, wish you a Merry Christmas and get back on the plane, because my life will be complete.

The first thing I plan to do is get a car to your place. I'll have a couple of suitcases that I don't particularly want to take on the subway, so I'll probably splurge. Then I'll put them down, sit on my beautiful new/used couch for a minute and convince you to go to Manhattan with me for sight-seeing, lunch then probably Bag Toss at 7B. I get in at noonish, by the way, so get ready!

AHOY!!!! I'm bored. I have questions. Actually, it's more a survey. How fun for you! 1. If you could have a stranger come up to you and whisper in your ear...what would you want them to say to you?

Wait, is this stranger male or female? If it's a male, he should probably say, "Dude, I don't know if you noticed, but that cluster of Swedish models won't stop staring at you and smiling." If it's a female, probably something like "I can't say this too loud, because my husband might hear, but you are the most incredible looking man I've ever laid my eyes on. And considering I'm a Swedish model, that's saying something."

I mean, it has to be sexual, right? Would I really want a stranger mouth-breathing into my ear, "have you tried the new KFC Famous Bowl? I know, cheese on chicken seems weird, but it's deliiiiiiicious." Ick.

2. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?

First off, let it be said that I'm an absolutely terrible liar. It's written all over my face, I can't keep my facts straight and I snap like a toothpick under the most casual of questioning. When I was in college, I had this Can't Hardly Wait t-shirt. I used to tell girls that I was an extra and then I'd babble on about how cool Seth Green was. It wasn't a bad lie.

3. What's the grossest thing you've ever put in your mouth?

Smelt. At a Japanese restaurant. It was an entire fish on a stick. It was staring at me. So I bit into it and its insides were all powdery and orange. Vomit.

4. What's the most humiliating moment you've had involving the opposite sex?

Uh huh. You want me to volunteer a story about my own sexual ineptitude? Nice try.

5. Does evil exist?

Pure evil? Like "Michael Myers" pure evil? Probably not. But some people are wired very, very wrong. That funny looking guy running North Korea? Probably evil. Drunk with power at the very least. The proof is in the pudding. According to the World Food Program, the average 7-year-old North Korean boy is eight inches shorter, 20 pounds lighter and has a 10-year-shorter life expectancy than his 7-year-old counterpart in South Korea. All so this idiot can have a nuclear weapon that wouldn't blow a hole in the side of a Kia Spectra. Shame.

6. Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

Did Adam and Even have belly buttons. Hmmm...I'm not too terribly familiar with the bible so I'm not quite sure how Adam was born. Did he just appear one day? Fall out of a tree? Hatch from an egg? Who knows. If you believe that Adam and Eve existed, and you believe everything relating to their existence, then yes, they probably had belly buttons. Since they popped out looking like you or me.

7. Which foreign country do you have the least interest in visiting?

Ummm...Iraq? I really haven't traveled that much, so I'm not sure. I've been to Canada, Germany and Austria. The end. I'd really like to see Japan, Sweden, France and Australia (now that Andy's gonna be there). And maybe Russia. Probably nothing in the middle east for now. Or Estonia. God, I can't stand those smug Estonians.

8. Choose the reality TV show you'd go on and which stereotype character would you be (the troublemaker, the best friend, the whore, the douche bag, etc) Oh, and, you have to pick one. None of this, "I'd never go on a reality show" crap.

Which reality show would I go on? Well, it's no secret I'm a huge fan of the Biggest Loser, so I'd probably do that one. I'd get to hang out with Kim Lyons and I'd be applauded for walking up a flight of stairs. I need that kind of positive reinforcement in my life. Though I'd probably need to gain 200 pounds, so that's out. Definitely not Big Brother. I watched about five minutes of that show and was so bored I could hardly keep my eyes open. How can that show have any viewers? Why do I want to watch people lay around and be bored?

I would go on the Real World, I guess. Only because it set the standard. I'd be "the nice guy," I think. Like Judd from Real World San Fransisco. Back then, Judd could get away with that kind of personality, because back then, reality show casts still treated each other like normal human beings. Now he'd be eaten alive.

9. If you were engaged and the person became a paraplegic, would you still get married or ditch out?

Well, yeah I would still get married, but it would suck. Here's the thing. Our parent's generation screwed up marriage so bad with their rampant divorcing that our generation now has the luxury of a relatively pressure-free timeline. It's okay to still be single at 30, because people understand that marriages don't last and if you want to wait until you meet the right person, then more power to you. So, I don't think I'll be pressured into marriage anytime soon. Which means that when I do get married, it'll be the right person. And I'll really love her. Which means I wouldn't leave her even if she was nothing more than a floating head in a jar of pickle juice. God, I hope she doesn't turn into a floating head in a jar of pickle juice.

10. Bloggers are often accused of egotistical motives behind their blogging...what has this blog done for you lately? (sing that when you say it) Additionally, what has this blog done for ME lately? PEACE OUT--I'm off to rape and pillage.
Captain Boozy Von PegLeg
S.S. Shitmuzzle, International Waters

Thanks for the questions! Blogs are self-indulgent and that's all there is to it. It's kind of embarrassing, airing out your dirty laundry in public for everyone to judge, but screw it. It's fun and theraputic. What has it done for you lately? Hopefully taken three to four minutes out of your week that you would've spent working and turned them into a fun-filled romp. What has it done for me? I don't know. It allows me to be self-indulgent and tell stories about myself without trapping someone in a corner at a party and yapping their ear off? Yapyapyapyapyapyap!! Yap! Thanks for reading!