Drinking coffee, I drink coffee, drinking coffee every daaaaayyy...

There's a girl who sits a couple of cubicles down from me who has a French Press at her desk. I'm grateful for this, because the coffee in this office is putrid and she makes good coffee first thing every morning. In her desk drawer, she has four different kinds of coffee. In bean form. So when she gets in she has to grind the beans, fill the thing with hot water, let it seep in, do the press thing and voila! Again, I'm grateful. But. She's very, very into coffee. She has several different kinds of creamers. And stirrers. Sweet & Low, Splenda, Equal, raw sugar, white sugar. I mean, I like a nice cup of coffee every once in awhile, but not every morning, and certainly never more than two in a day. Coffee is her thing. It's her thing that she does. And it's starting to get on my nerves. I don't even like hearing her say the word "coffee" anymore and I shudder when she sends her one-line e-mails to co-workers that simply say "Coffee!" to alert everyone that the French Press is through doing its magic and the coffee is there for the taking. Around 4:30 or so, she'll look over at me and say "coffee?" Again, grateful. But come on. Who drinks coffee at 4:30 in the afternoon? I'll always politely decline. "No thanks. It's too late in the day!" But she'll still make it.

What causes people to attach themselves to certain beverages? What satisfaction are you getting in dedicating significant chunks of your time to a drink? Who are these Drink Disciples, Beverage Backers and Potable Promoters? I can think of three different types of drink enthusiasts. If you can think of anymore, please share.

Beer Nerds - If you know what makes a lager a lager and an ale an ale, then congratulations. You're ahead of about 95% of the beer drinking population. But if you know what a hop is and what it's used for? Or you know how long beer should be fermented? Or you say things like, "I only drink craft beers?" Or you subscribe to All About Beer magazine? Then you're in too deep.

There are tons of beer drinking clubs across the nation. These Beer Nerds aren't out to get drunk. They're out to sip and examine and judge beers and try to determine which beer goes best with which cheese and find out how they could infuse blackberries into their home brew. Their interest is beer. And this is fine. It just seems a little...I don't know...juvenile?

It should be said that no one under the age of 21 can truly be categorized as a Beer Nerd. College freshman who "LOVE BEER! WHOOO!!" don't count. Fine, he has a Bud Light label stuck on his back windshield and sure, he has one of those charming "what I really learned in college" posters on his dorm room wall, but that's just a guy who likes getting drunk.

Profile: late 20's to mid-40's. Male. Fun-loving.
Natural Habitat: Pubs. The kinds with 4,000 taps where they roll their eyes if you order a Coors Light.
Biggest Enemy: macro-brews. Bud, Miller, Coors. Wine drinkers.

Wine Nerds - Probably the most sophisticated and widely accepted drink nerdery. It allows you to stand around and swirl your glass and smack your lips while you gaze into the middle distance. And it's conducive to chatter about the theatre and art and all that. It can be very self-congratulatory and snooty. I never saw "Sideways" but I think it poked fun at these people. Or did it glamorize them?

It's something cool to know about, I think. All the different years and regions and pairings. Personally, I could never be one of these people because I simply don't like wine.

Profile: 40+. Wealthier. Self-serious.
Natural Habitat: wine shops, wineries, vineyards, country clubs.
Biggest Enemy: Franzia, Carlo Rossi, screw tops and the ultimate blasphemy: wine coolers.

Coffee Nerds - Possibly the strangest of the three. At least when you're drinking wine or beer, over indulgence is fun. What happens when you drink too much coffee? You're wired for six hours and you have to pee every thirteen seconds. Good times!

The true coffee snobs have even turned their backs on Starbucks, preferring the smaller, independent coffee houses. "Starbucks has no soul, their coffee is crap, blahblahblah..." Far be it from them to recognize that Starbucks in the reason their precious independent coffee houses exist in the first place, but whatever.

Profile: Young. Smart(ish). Indie(ish). Bookworm(ish).
Natural Habitat: Coffee shops, bookstores attached to coffee shops.
Biggest enemy: Folgers, Maxwell House and (gasp!) Sanka. Tea drinkers.

I'm going to start a Milk Drinker's Association, I think. We'll get together and sample milk from a variety of different animals. Yaks, goats, sheep, rattlesnake. And we'll see what milks work best with which cereals. Should be fun. Our biggest enemy, of course, will be cow's milk. I mean, who drinks that stuff? What are you, four years old?!