Don't wet the torchblog!

Well, Irony and Karma decided to team up and ambush me from behind, beat me with a tire iron and then shake a stern, collective finger at me, because I'm sick as a dog right now. I feel like absolute shit. But I did come into work today, since I can't very well call in sick two weeks in a row. Although, if skipping two days of work to get drunk in San Antonio makes me a bad employee, doesn't coming into work even though I'm sick kinda balance that out? I mean, if I'd called in sick today, no one would've batted an eyelash. I don't know. While I guzzle down orange juice and snack on DayQuil, please enjoy today's (all-Olympics!) mailblog.

Last night I saw a commercial for the Olympics ON NBC!!! I’ve really never cared all that much for the Olympics, minus a few events here and there that I’ll catch if I happen to have the TV on and they are on. I certainly don’t care enough to have them broadcast to my phone a la the lady on the subway in the commercial, but these people seemed really excited. I realize that NBC never gets to carry decent sporting events (besides Sunday Football Night in America) – but they seem to be overly keyed up about this whole thing. Is NBC hyping this because it’s their every-other-year shot at carrying sporting events and getting sky high ratings? Am I unpatriotic for not caring? How do you feel about The Games?
Eric D.
Austin, TX

Well, NBC definitely has reason to be "overly keyed up" about the whole thing. From the New York Times:

NBC cornered the Olympic television market yesterday by agreeing to spend $2.3 billion for the broadcast and cable rights to the 2004 Summer, 2006 Winter and 2008 Summer Olympics even before the sites of the Games have been determined...NBC's payments of $793 million for the 2004 Games, $613 million for 2006 and $894 million for 2008 could have been higher if ABC, Fox and CBS had been allowed to bid.

That price is even more astounding when you consider the deal was made in 1995. Now then...

I don't think you're unpatriotic for not caring. In light of the wonderful job our government has done making us look like a bunch of arrogant bullies, I'm guessing we're all going to feel a little sheepish when they're parading the American flag around. We might as well substitute our national anthem for Darth Vader's music from Star Wars.

But the Olympics are all about national pride, and I guess we're supposed to pull for the Americans, no matter what. I mean, I guess. Would it be that big a deal if I pulled for the Dutch this year? I mean, I can live in Houston and openly root for the Seattle Mariners if I want. Why can't I live in America and openly root for the peaceful, clog dancing, tulip and windmill-loving Dutch? Does that make me a bad American?

I don't know. I have two problems with the Olympics. First off, we expect to win everything (assuming "we" is "Americans" and not "my brothers and sisters in the Netherlands"). But when you expect to win everything, the only possible outcomes are (a.) mild satisfaction ("Okay then. We won everything. Uhh...hooray!") or (b.) disappointment ("We lost to Bulgaria in rowing?! Unacceptable!"). So what's the incentive? And aside from Yankee/Red Sox/Patriot fans, doesn't everyone want to cheer for the scrappy underdog? And isn't America the unstoppable, evil monolith we should be rooting against?! Haven't we become Ivan Drago?!

Anyway, my second problem with the Olympics. I never watch swimming on TV. Or track. Or Greco-Roman wrestling. Or horse jumping, crew, weight lifting, judo, diving, sailing, shooting or volleyball. So why am I supposed to care now? I know NBC is going to inundate us with human interest stories to connect us to the athletes. But even then, it's like they're admitting that the sports themselves can't stand on their own.

For me, the only compelling sports are basketball (where I can't honestly say I'll be cheering for the US) and, to a lesser degree, soccer (even though winning the World Cup is far more important than winning the Olympics). I don't know. I'll watch the games. There is a certain excitement that surrounds them, and it'll be fun to switch over to Bravo at 3:00 in the morning to watch LIVE! coverage of women's field hockey, but only because it's something different and it is a worldwide event.

Incidentally, I've been watching some exhibition games for USA softball over the past few days. This was purely accidental; ESPN has been showing them at around 6:00 every night, which happens to correspond with the time of day I'm usually on the eliptical at the gym. Anyway, they're on this warm-up tour, visiting colleges around the country and just beating the hell out of each school's softball team. This sort of puts in perspective just how good the US Olympic teams really are. Check out these scores:

USA - 12, Florida Southern College - 0
USA - 16, Robert Morris - 0
USA - 24, Milligan College - 0
USA - 13, Mississippi State - 0
USA - 14, New Mexico State - 0
USA - 13, UNC - Greensboro - 0
USA - 23, DePaul - 0
USA - 14, New Mexico - 0

During the game last night, this poor girl stepped up to the plate (a Freshman, no less) to face Team USA's reliever, who was whizzing fastballs from every direction (which looks extra terrifying thanks to that weird scoop/windmill throwing motion) and seemed perfectly content to strike out and sit back down, safely, on her own bench. Although, to be fair, I'd be pretty terrified if I had to face this beast of a woman in any kind of competition, athletic or otherwise.
Dear Mailblog, Tell me a story. One I've NEVER heard. Thanks-a-fuckin-lot,
Your Capitain
Austin, TX

I interned at NBC Sports during the summer of 2004, the summer of the Athens Olympics. During those weeks, the office was completely dead. Every one of my bosses was in Athens, so I would spend the day...errr...I can't remember how I spent my days, to be honest. Anyway, it was quite possibly the most enjoyable summer of my life - stress-free, relaxing, fun, exciting. Occasionally we would get phone calls. From viewers. And since these phone calls were coming from people crazy enough to call a network to complain, their complaints were usually pretty ridiculous. They usually went something like this:

[Ring, ring]
Robert: Sports, this is Robert.
Caller: Hi, I'm calling from New Mexico. I had a question for you.
Robert: Alright, what can I do for you? (how on earth did you get this number?)
Caller: It's about the equestrian events. I want more equestrian events!
Robert: Umm. Okay. Well, we're actually showing pretty much every event, so if you'll just check the schedule, you'll...
Caller: Baloney! All you show is basketball and track. I want to see the equestrian events!
Robert: Ah. Well, on the main network, NBC, we're showing the more high-profile events. But we are showing horse jumping and horse...uhh...other...equestrian events on the whole family of networks. If you'll just check the schedule, you'll...
Caller: I don't have cable! I want to see the equestrian events!
Robert: (Befuddled) Well. Okay. Again, we're showing the more high-profile events - events that more people would want to see - on the main network. NBC.
Caller: Well that's not good enough. I want to see the equestrian events!
Robert: (Dumbfounded) I don't know what to...I'm gonna go ahead and transfer you over to the equestrian programming department. They should be able to answer all of your questions, okay? You have a great day.
[hit transfer button, send call to interns that sit on the other side of the office]

If I've learned anything from my five years in the working world, it's that people are idiots.

Anyway, get those questions in for next week's mailblog! I wish I could post more than once a week, but unfortunately, I just don't have that much going on right now. But soon. Match dot com. Stay tuned. Now I'm gonna go back to staring at my keyboard and trying not to throw up.