Ick! Jesus, man. Light a Match!

Well, I officially took the Match plunge yesterday (and then, regrettably, used it to make a poo joke as the subject of this posting). I was really embarrassed about working on my profile and checking my matches at work. In fact, every time I heard even the faintest of footsteps approaching my cubicle I would minimize the screen and then would scratch my chin and concentrate thoughtfully on a Power Point presentation I haven't touched in four days. Obviously, this wasn't the most efficient way to get things done. Thankfully, my company solved that problem by blocking Match dot com entirely (and, incidentally, Blogger dot com, which is where I write this blog). So now what? I can't do this stuff at home. I don't have a computer. And I've been trying to save up for a new Macbook, but I keep spending my money. And even if I stow my economic stimulus check away, I'll still be about $600 short. Then I realized I could just take a Macbook home from work. Duh. Why didn't I do this months ago? (side note: you know poor W has done irreparable damage to his image when he not only gives everyone in America $600 and says "buy yourself something nice," but also puts our polar bear friends on the endangered species list, and he's still the most despised president in our nation's history. Too little too late, I'm afraid.)

So I got home and plugged in and hoped and prayed that someone in my apartment complex had neglected to put a password on their Wifi signal. No such luck. Hmmm...How'm I gonna do this? I had to figure something out. I mean, I was excited about starting. I've decided to do this, so dammit, I wanted to do it! I really only had one option. Sigh. I went to Starbucks. Yeah. Not only did I have to pay $10 for a stupid "24 hour pass," but I looked like a walking cliché moseying from my Volkswagen Passat into a Starbucks and pulling a Macbook from my messenger bag, then clattering away thoughtlessly, checking my online dating account and sipping my double tall skim Komodo mocha latte blend (actually, it was a regular cup of decaf). All the while, checking the time on my iPhone. If I wasn't the posterboy for uninteresting American consumerist trendfollowers, I don't know who is. But go to hell. I like my car. And my phone. And my messenger bag.

Anyway, I got started. They ask you to write an "about me," and fill in some blanks with "favorite things," "favorite hot spots", "for fun," etc. I just dove right in. I love writing crap like that, so I kind of enjoyed it. Then I started browsing. And realized everything I'd written was identical to what everyone else was writing. In fact, most of the profiles on Match are fairly interchangeable. Oh great, you love to travel! You've visited NYC? Neato! Your dog is your best friend? Enchanting! But I'm being cynical. Honestly, how many different ways can you answer "favorite things" anyway? In fact, I've found that most people have the exact same criteria when it comes to "favorite things" - "hanging out with friends, a nice day out at a barbecue or festival, but also don't mind staying in and renting a movie and snuggling up under a blanket." Terrific.

I guess it made me realize that this is such a "first step" in the whole dating process. You're not really learning anything, except that they're single. And even the insight you gain from those profiles is basic to the point that you could probably draw those conclusions just by looking at them. It's really no different than spotting someone in public, only if a little arrow appeared above their head that said, "the only reading I've done in the last six months is Glamour magazine and I visited Belize last summer." But Match does what it needs to do - it aggregates the single girls in Houston into one, easy-to-navigate place. It's like the world's largest singles bar.

Personally, I think I'm too impatient for this. My initial instinct, when I saw someone I was attracted to, was to email them and see if they wanted to meet for a drink. But maybe that was too fast? Maybe we're supposed to email back and forth a few times first? I don't know. The simple fact is that you're not gonna know anything until you meet face to face. You can have incredibly insightful and engaging email conversations, but if there's no chemistry when you're sitting in front of each other...well, then you're out of luck. It reminds me of the time my friend Dave set me up with a girl from his office. He was convinced we'd be perfect for each other. She was pretty, a tad salty, personable...how could it not work? We emailed back and forth for a couple of weeks, and finally decided to meet for dinner. First of all, she looked nothing like her picture (how could you not have mentioned this, Dave?!). Secondly, we exhausted all the "getting to know you" banter through emails over the previous two weeks, so when we were sitting at dinner, waiting for our appetizers, we just kinda stared at each other and smiled politely and looked around desperately trying to think of anything to say. Luckily, she was a drinker, so we just got shitfaced together. That made it a little better. But we never spoke again after that night. And it wasn't anyone's fault, and it really wasn't a big deal. We got along, but there wasn't anything there.

So I'm kind of expecting a lot of that. A lot of "Wow, you look nothing like your picture" and a lot of "Hmm...I recognize that expression. She thinks I look nothing like my picture" and some forced conversation and some uncomfortable goodbyes. But that's okay. Because I'm nothing if not eternally optimistic. And isn't the point of this thing to go on dates anyway? So I'm probably not going to meet the future Mrs. K. But I might...uhh...well...aw, who the hell knows. Anyway, I'm ready to roll. I put up my pictures (with requisite flattering angles and softened lighting), finished my profile and put myself out into the world to be judged. Wish me luck.