Doomsday mailbag!

Today is the mailblog! Just three questions this week (well, four really. Sorry Kellie, I don't know when "Once" is coming to DVD). The topic in each of the three questions include war, prison and hipsters, respectively. What a bleak combination that is. Sooooo....let's get to it!

Let's say you are hired as an emissary for a militant corporation who has stumbled upon the ability to produce time travel and sends it's agents back in time to fight in wars of the past as a test model for modern military tactics in an antiquated strategic environment. Don't worry about why they want to do this...you will be brought up to speed when the time deems necessary. The beauty is, your new employers give you the option of which military conflict you'd like to participate in. This allows the "soldier" to give full effort on account of his fundamental ideals, and his passion for a cause, for which the wars of the past were fought over.

With your newly "hired-gun" status, which war do you feel strongly enough about to go back in time and offer your services, or your life (regardless of side), to the cause?
Cory R.
Austin, TX

Well, if my life is on the line, I want to go as far back in time as possible. I'd feel much more comfortable in my armored Humvee during the Peloponnesian War than, say, the Civil War. Because they had guns in the Civil War. I'm really not much of a history person, so to be honest, I'm not that versed in the reasons certain wars started. I not only don't know when the 100 Years War was, I have no idea who was even involved. Or how long it lasted (uhh...100 years?). This is definitely something I'm going to have to study up on before I go on Jeopardy! But to your question, I think I would go with the Trojan War. First off, the whole thing started because Paris of Troy stole Helen from her husband Menelaus. What a ridiculous reason to start a war.

Secondly, Zeus was involved! Some fun facts about Zeus...
He once turned Pandareus to stone for stealing the golden dog which had guarded him as an infant in the holy Dictaeon Cave of Crete. Outstanding!
He killed Salmoneus with a thunderbolt for attempting to impersonate him, riding around in a bronze chariot and loudly imitating thunder. Don't mock Zeus!
He turned Periphas into an eagle after his death, as a reward for being righteous and just. Thanks!
He rewarded Tiresias with a life three times the norm as reward for ruling in his favor when he and Hera contested which of the sexes gained the most pleasure from the act of love. What a loon!
And at the marriage of Zeus and Hera, a nymph named Chelone refused to attend, so Zeus transformed her into a tortoise. A tortoise. What an asshole!

I'd like to see how he matches up against today's technology.

If someone gets convicted to life without parole, should they have the option of putting themselves on death row? I think I might. Prison would get boring.
Richard K.
Dallas, TX

I don't think they should have the right to go on death row. That would just clog things up. I mean, if you're so bored with life in prison that you'd just rather check out, why not hang yourself with your bed sheets? Death row should definitely be reserved for the truly evil. We certainly don't want the term "death row" trivialized. Death and Boredom Row? Not as impactful.

I do however think prisoners with no hope of parole should get puzzles or scrapbooking supplies or something to keep them busy. I mean, they're no longer a burden to society, might as well give them something to do?

Have you ever had a crazy, absurdly self-centered friend? Mine is wonderfully crazy and sweet, but all she does is talk about herself. Constantly. To the point that it makes me seethe. And she's a hipster. What would you do in a situation like this? I think my method is working out fine, but I'd like to see what other options I may have.
Beth R.
Austin, TX

Well, I can't judge anybody accused of being self-centered. I mean, I have a blog for Christ's sakes. That's like saying, "my life is so interesting, that I'm going to broadcast it on the internet!" And on top of that, my blog has a mailbag! That's like saying, "not only should you read about my incredibly fascinating life, you should submit questions to find out what I think! Because my opinion matters!" When in fact, it doesn't. But anyway.

Now, the fact that she's a hipster says it all. I think all hipsters are inherently narcissistic. Well, fake hipsters anyway. There are people who genuinely enjoy reading Jonathan Safran Foer books and listening to old Talking Heads LPs and cutting their own hair. But then there are the hipsters whose number one focus in life is finding the stupidest possible combination of clothing. Giant novelty sunglasses, unitards, splatter painted t-shirts. You could argue that they're providing some kind of commentary on fashion or pushing the envelope or whatever, but sometimes they're wearing an electrical tape bowtie just so you look at them.

For the ultimate hipster gallery click here.