It's a Mucky, Mucky Mailblog!

It's nasty outside today. I woke up to the sound of rain this morning, which would've been incredibly relaxing if I'd actually had a few more hours to sleep. On the way to work this morning, some lady decided it would be a good idea to go 40 on the freeway. I swear that woman almost caused five wrecks. She realizes water isn't the same thing as ice, right? Anyway, here we are. Wednesday. Middle of the week. Halfway home. The hump. Purgatory. Call it what you will. I, however, call it...mailblog!

If you could live anywhere in the world, all-expenses paid, where would you go? Oh wait, let me qualify that... you can't leave that place, ever. In exchange for your expenses, you have to have complete geographic loyalty and never step out of its bounds. Go!
Leigh B.
New York, NY

Fun! So, all of my expenses are taken care of? I've got an American Express Black card with no limit and some unseen sponsor footing the bill? Well, if I'm going to to do this, I might as well do it right. The only logical answer is New York, I think. I mean, the one drawback about New York is that it's too expensive. I'd never get bored, I'd have plenty to see and there would always be plenty of new people to meet. In fact, I could start a second career as a socialite! "No, no, Tinz, I can't join you in the Hamptons this weekend. If I step anywhere outside of the New York city limits my head explodes. Thanks though!"

I bet London would be great, but I've never been there. What if I didn't like it? And what if I want to see my family? At least my family could fly to New York relatively easily (and don't you worry, I'd take care of the hotel bill). Although, even when I lived there, I would get "island fever" from time to time (see: spontaneous trips to Montreal and Maine), so the smallness (and density) of New York might drive me a little crazy. But is there really another viable option here? I would love to have an endless bank account in Austin, so I could move into the top floor of the Austonian and hang out with Lance and McC all day, but you'd run out of stuff to do a lot faster, I think.

Would you rather have to wear a hat made of spiders or have penises for fingers?
Kalinda H.
Austin, TX

Well then! A "can't lose" question followed by a "can't win" question! I'll just go ahead and assume that the spiders are somehow connected to the hat? And there's not just some guy showing up at my apartment every morning and dumping a bucket of spiders on my head?

You know what, it's irrelevant. I'd go with the penis fingers. First off, no one is going to talk to you if you've got a bunch of spiders on your head. I don't care what goth clubs or arachnology meetings you're hanging out at. Besides that, you'd have the constant tickle and/or spider bites to deal with. Not to mention the mere sight of a spider makes me jump up and down on my couch, fanning myself and screaming for someone to kill it.

At least with penis fingers, I could wear gloves. Granted, they'd probably look like big, floofy white Mickey Mouse gloves, but it's something. Although, can my fingers get an erection? You might be able to parlay your disability into a very successful career if that's the case. I mean, I've never met anybody who's had sex with 11 women at the same time. Have you?

Would you fuck a dolphin? I think I might.
Cory R.
Austin, TX

If I had penis fingers, yes. If I was swimming in the ocean, and a dolphin swam up beside me with lust in its eyes? Umm...probably not.

What childhood memory would you say sticks out the most…the first thing that comes to mind? How would you say that moment affected your life?
Jonathan M.
New York, NY

Hmm...there are so many! It's hard to narrow your childhood down to one moment. I guess it doesn't need to be anything that's necessarily an obvious milestone. Because you asked the question, I automatically thought of the years that we lived across the street from each other. So I'm seeing a lot of baseball in the middle of the street, swimming, watching TV/playing Nintendo and rocking out to Trixter.

I'm gonna say it was the time my dad jumped out of the garage wearing a halloween mask. This resulted in his two five year old sons screaming and burying their faces in their mother's hip for half an hour, and also caused our new puppy to pee on the floor and take off toward the living room, sliding across the linoleum and crashing into the wall. How did it affect me? I don't like haunted houses. I'm not a big fan of horror movies. I don't trust anyone. Anyone at all.

What was your favorite Christmas present you ever received?
Richard K.
Dallas, TX

Well, I'm pretty sure My Pet Football Monster is near the top of the list, even though I didn't actually ask for him. I always liked that Mama Knox got us lots of little presents. She never really surprised us with any big ticket items, but there was always lots to open. She knew (and now I know) that opening them is the fun part anyway (truly the words of a kid who never got an expensive Christmas present). There were lots of hits and lots and lots of misses. Which includes the time she got us each a package of typing paper. I can still remember the confusion on our faces. So there it is. Typing paper. That was the best Christmas present I ever got.

(side note: I lost that football helmet and jersey within, roughly, four minutes of opening the present.)

Thanks for the questions! Keep em coming! MemoirsMailbag@gmail.com