I've got a fever. And the only cure...is more mailblog!

Well, it's finally Wednesday. Today has been kind of a kick in the crotch, actually. Work is blah. My mom is sending me guilt-riddled e-mails. One of my dearest friends is coping with news about his poor old doggie.

Only two possible cures for this. The first is a picture of Yogli, our second favorite polar bear (behind Knut, of course). The second? Mailblog!

What is your most annoying habit? (And let's not get too too philosophical here--I'm talking about an annoying quirk that someone you live with will want to slit their wrists over. Ex: I floss my teeth on the couch.)
Erin J.
New York, NY

You know, I've always thought I was pretty easy to live with (any former roommates feel free to chime in). I'm reasonably clean, reasonably quiet and reasonably easy to get along with. At the Queens apartment, I would occasionally...well...not clean, but there were four of us, so usually someone would clean up...once the garbage cans overflowed into the living room. Oh, and I don't pay bills on time.

Also, I have a bad habit of flicking toothpaste on the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth (thanks to spell check, I just realized that I wrote "tootpaste." Hee! Toot Paste!). I don't know why it happens. I guess it's because my mouth is wide open when I'm brushing?

I think I make a damn fine roommate. Oh, but sometimes I'll smear Toot Paste on your pillowcase.

Side note: I may cut and paste that entire answer and add it to my OK Cupid profile.

What is your take on what "Grimace" actually is? The McDonald's character, not that thing up in Michigan. I just called that poor woman a "thing."
Beth R.
Austin, TX

Well, he's not an animal, right? He stands upright and he talks. I think he's just a poor bastard with an unfortunate shape to him. It's possible he's got Downs Syndrome. I mean, he's always been a litle slow on the uptake, no?

The purple skin is something else altogether. With a little help from the internet, I've determined that Grimace most likely suffers from Necrotizing fasciitis (occasionally described by the media as "the flesh-eating bacteria"). This usually results from an infection of Group A Streptococcal Disease - a serious but rare fascia of the deeper layers of skin and fatty subcutaneous tissues.

So there you have it. A mentally retarded person suffering from flesh-eating bacteria. He's exactly who you want near your food. Just another reason not to eat at McDonalds, I guess. Not to mention the fact that the guy hangs out with a probable child molestor/serial killer in clown makeup, an ex-con and a giant bird.

If you would receive $1 million to have sex with food on Oprah--what would you stick your pee pee in? God. Wouldn't it be great if Oprah went a little less philanthropist and a little more Springer?
Kalinda H.
Austin, TX

For $1 million, I would stick my "pee pee" into just about anything that didn't maim it beyond repair. An electric pencil sharpener? Why not. A glass of hydrochloric acid? Bring it on. So you want to know which food I would stick it in? For a million bucks? All of them.

Although I will say, having sex with a jalapeno would be unpleasant.

Why are relationships so stupid?
Regan M.
Brooklyn, NY

Relationships are stupid because people are inherently selfish. It's not a bad thing, or something that can be changed. It's just the way things are, I think. Relationships are always going to be a challenge for that very reason. But it's good, because who wants to date someone who only cares about what you want?

Regan, why on earth are you asking me for relationship advice? That's like asking for driving lessons from Henri Paul! (rimshot!) Hey yo!!! HAHAHA!! What? Too obscure? Too cruel. I know.

I was speaking with Richard last night, he was talking about your “punched in the face” series on the blog and brought up the fact that you are the only person he has ever punched in the face. That bothered me because he couldn’t have gotten the full satisfaction typically associated with such an experience, so here is the question. What do I need to do to get him mad enough to punch me in the face? Or maybe someone else? I will have a full seven days to pull off this feat so be sure and give me a couple of ideas.
Blake D.
Dallas, TX

Well, step one is to get him drunk. Not just drunk, I mean screeching-karaoke, making-out-with-a-midget drunk. The kind where he's jam-packed with energy. You'll know he's there when he starts slurring angrily at any advice you give him. "Whyoogottabringmedown? Whyoogottabringmedown?" Next, you need to talk down to him. Be condescending, arrogant and dismissive. Then maybe you can toss in a pointless, but irritating nickname and use it all night.

Like, "Hey Dildo Splits! Yo! Dildo Splits! Get me a beer!" You'll be face-punched before you know it!

Did you miss Mike and I while we were in Mexico? We stopped by the flea market to buy you a pet, but then we realized that we couldn't bring it home...but, out of curiosity, if we COULD have brought you one, of the following, which would you have wanted?
A. A momma dog with GIANT nipples, covered in dust-- looked like a small golden retriever
B. A black and yellow lizard that runs on two legs
C. One of those infamous urban legend "dogs" (you know, the ones that turn out to be GIANT Mexi-Rats)
D. An iguana that was 6 feet from head to tail
E. A feral cat roaming around the back of a restaurant
F. A cockroach
Kalinda H.
Austin, TX

Gee. What a...generous...offer, Kalinda. Thank you! Umm...(reading. re-reading)...well, you can rule out B and D right off the bat. I don't like lizards, I don't trust them (why would you?!) and they creep me out. You can probably cross out F too. Alright, so we're left with a momma dog with huge nipples, a Mexican rat and a wild cat. I'm gonna go with A. Those nipples would probably gross me out to no end, but they'd go away at some point, right? And if they don't, I'll just dress her in quaint little jogging suits and overalls.

Besides, I've got plenty of feral cats that live in my apartment complex already. With their creepy, childlike whining and their intimidating, distrusting death stares. Don't really need one as a pet, thanks.