OK Stupid

Alright, I'm not so sure this whole online dating thing is gonna pan out. I know, I know. I said I would go on two dates. And when I said it, I truly believed it. Because, really, how hard is it to find two people who are reasonably attractive? Well, if you're using OK Cupid, it's like trying to find the fucking lost Ark of the Covenant. You think I'm kidding? They've got a little feature on that website called "Quickmatch." It's like, "give the wheel a spin, let's see who pops up, you never know, what a great story to tell your grandkids." Being that I'm hopelessly optimistic and sort of love that kind of thing (side note: I genuinely enjoyed "Serendipity." I know. I'm gay.), I gave it a whirl.

Look at that picture. That's who they matched me with. A 45 year old woman from Jackson, Michigan. Jesus. Christ. Granted, that was just a "luck of the draw" type of thing, but come on!

Alright then, who are my actual matches? People who share the same values, beliefs, interests and attitudes as me? People who like music and going to bars and laying by the pool and spontaneous trips to the beach? Well, they kicked things off by matching me with a young lass named "Abigail Oatmeal." A selection from Abby's profile...

I am a social worker and feminist activist who has been in Austin about 6 years. I like coffee, hiking, my two obese cats, modern Japanese fiction, dinosaurs, poets both dead and alive, Tori Amos, hibiscus mint tea but only if it's from Ruta Maya, Birkenstocks and old family photos. Politically speaking, I am as radically left as you can get... if you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem. I also believe that if you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention. I was raised by an Atheist and feminist Christian.

Uh huh. Look, let's forget for a second that the act of smiling appears to be physically painful for her. What on earth did I put in my profile that makes them think I'd be interested in a social worker/feminist activist?! Who likes dinosaurs!! How did this happen?!

Anyway, the problem here is obvious. I need to just use one of the pay dating sites where people feel more obligated to use it because they're shelling out $60 a month. Instead of this free one, where people sort of come and go as they please, and don't feel any real obligation. But what happens when I start paying $60 a month, and end up with another Abigail Oatmeal?! I don't think online dating is for me. Maybe I'm being too picky? Maybe I think I'm an acquired taste and I really don't believe anyone could look at my picture, read my profile and decide I'm the man for them. Maybe Grimace up there in Michigan is my soulmate and I'm just being a jerk? Whatever it is, we've hit a wall here.

But alas. I am still sort of itching to start dating again. I do love the ladies. If only there was some kind of cure for that.

Tomorrow is the mailblog! Be sure to send your questions to MemoirsMailbag@gmail.com! And yes, I really did mail a $5 Starbucks giftcard to Megan, who submitted last week's Question of the Week!