Come Again Some Other Day. Please.

The weather in Austin has been wet lately. As in, "it's rained 27 of the past 33 days" wet. This is starting to make me angry. I'll watch the news and the weatherman, with real guilt in his eyes, will say something like, "it looks like it's going to clear up Thursday afternoon, but more showers...umm...will be moving in this weekend." And then he'll show the five day forecast, and every day will have that goddamn "thunderstorms" graphic on it. If I wanted this kind of shit weather I would've moved to Seattle. Really. Enough is enough. I would rather it be 120 and sunny. Only one cure for this terrible, biblical, unstoppable rain...mailblog!

Assuming you were one of Michael Vick's dogs, how would you mastermind an escape plan from an underground fighting ring? I understand that general layout of the premises, and logistical issues such as, number of people to avoid, are crucial to your answer, but let's say you're clever like an ingenius Disney character, with a keen sense of humor to boot. How do you liberate yourself once you've ascertained your predicament, which will ultimately lead to certain death?
Cory R.
Austin, TX

Well, if I'm a clever Disney character, my name would probably be Stanley. I was plucked out of a soggy cardboard box labeled "free puppies" by a seemingly caring and attentive owner. My first view of the place I'd call home was straight out of "Annie." A big, two-story house on a large swath of land with plenty of other dogs to play with! But soon I discovered the true nature of this place. I was locked to a car axle and made to sleep in a shack. And forced to go through grueling training sessions.

Luckily, I befriended another dog with a big scar on his nose. He's called "Scratches." Two year ago, he thought he was being rescued when animal control came to his abusive owner's trailer in the country and took him away. Only now, he's at Vick Manor enduring it all over again. Well, Scratches and I have decided that enough is enough. With the help of the other dogs - Juan Pedro, Mulligan, Peaches and overly-sensitve oaf Francis (voiced by Cheech Marin, Billy Connolly, Wanda Sykes and Chris Penn, respectively) - we hatch an escape plan.

During the biggest fight of the year, which corresponds with a planned bank heist, Mulligan will alert the police by setting off an eye-popping fireworks display, leading to the arrest of both the bank robbers and dog fighters. At which point Scratches and I will latch onto Michael Vick's throat and clamp down until they have to pry our jaws apart with a break stick. I mean, we're pit bulls after all.

I may need to iron out the details, but that's about right. Fireworks, police and eating Michael Vick's neck.

Keeping on the subject of phones, is there a better costume prop than the giant old cell phone? Moreover, what is the proper term for this great gadget: Brickphone, Zach Morris Phone or other? Also, do you have a funny story or life experience involving one of these dinosaurs of the phone world?
Steven Cheesebury
Dallas, TX

The giant old cell phone is a terrific prop. It allows you to add "80's" as a prefix to whatver costume you're wearing. "I'm an 80's stockbroker!" "I'm an 80's drug dealer!" It also allows every single person you run into to say "hey, nice Zach Morris phone! HARHARHAR!!"

I'd have to say "Zach Morris Phone" has become the standard nomenclature, especially for people our age. It was the first (and last) phone like that we'd ever see. Has anyone actually seen one of those somewhere other than old episodes of "Saved By The Bell?"

I don't have any personal experience with these gigantic phones, although, in college, Cory had "the bag phone," which I'm convinced could call the moon. I still don't know what was in the bag. It looked like a car battery stuffed into a purse. Cory? Enlighten us?

If you were allowed to meet your favorite band of all time (and I mean hang out with them and party like it's 1999) would you give up your left or right nut for it to happen?
Kellie T.
Dallas, TX

Well, as you may know from this posting, I'm not quite sure what my favorite band of all time is, so I don't know how well I can answer this.

When I was an intern at NBC, I was able to sneak down to a taping of Late Night and meet one of my favorite bands of all time - They Might Be Giants. I had been dreaming of this day since I was 15 years old. Really. So I snuck down at around lunchtime and asked a stage manager where their green room was. I told him I was a fan and that I really wanted to meet them. Well. I really just wanted to get an autograph and get the hell out of there. But he was really nice about it. "Oh! A fan! Yeah, right this way." Then he led me to an open door leading into a green room, where John Linnell and John Flansburgh were sitting on couches. "Go ahead. Go on in" What?! No! I can't go in there. "Go on in." This was similar to Ralphie's Santa run-in on "A Christmas Story." I drew a complete blank. Here they were, looking right at me, waiting for me to say something, and I just stood there. The words wouldn't come. So I held up the DVD book from "Gigantic: A Tale of Two Johns" and may have mumbled something about an autograph. They politely signed it, then stood there and let me gawk while they chit-chatted. I thanked them and ran back to my cubicle, thrilled.

I had (technically) just met my favorite band. Would I do it again? God no. Would I give my testicle to do it again?! Uh. No. Besides, I don't know how much fun they would be to hang out with and "party like it's 1999." I mean, they're both in their forties, with kids, and neither of them seems particularly self-destructive. I know. Shameful rock behavior.

On my commute to work this morning I saw a liscense plate that read "GORJUS" and it got me thinking just in time for mailblog. If you had a personalized licence plate what would it say? There is a 7 character limit and you can't use "ROBERT."
Kori C.
Houston, TX

Hmm...personalized plates are pretty tacky. Do I have to? Some woman in Austin got in trouble for having a plate that said "Nail me." She was a "Nail Technician" at a hair salon, which made it funny. Er, yeah. Made it funny. Now they're trying to revoke her plate since it's sorta obscene. And she's fighting tooth and nail to keep it. Really? Pick your battles, lady.

The question. Umm...well, if I'm gonna tacky it up, I might as well make it count. BIG BALZ. And I would have a beautiful airbrushed portrait of Jesus on the back of my tailgate. And one of those "Bad Boyz" stickers. And Calvin peeing on something. And a cross. And a yellow ribbon. And an American flag. And a giant "3." Umm...and a hilaaaarious bumper sticker that says something like, "Get Revenge. Shit on a Pigeon." Man, my car would be the coolest.