Wait...You're not gonna stick that in my earblog!!!

So, I think I'm getting over whatever it was that was making me so dizzy. I actually went to the doctor yesterday (hooray benefits!) and he seemed to think I had some kind of virus. Can you get a virus in your ear? I thought they only got infections? Anyway, I can actually form complete thoughts now, which is a welcome change.

My mom, worrier that she is, called last night to check up on me. When I didn't answer she assumed (naturally) that my dizziness had caused me to careen into a tree, ejecting me 400 hundred feet and impaling me on a fence. Naturally. When I didn't answer the second time (I was at dinner with co-workers) she switched into full-blown panic mode. My dear mom. I've actually inherited her curse of over-worry, which would be fine if it didn't come with a tendency to visualize these horrific worst-case scenarios. Anyway. There's only one cure for the iron spikes protruding from my face, chest, stomach and leg....mailblog!

All things being equal, and assuming that you would not eff up the space/time continuum, and assuming that you couldn't offer yourself any stock tips or tell yourself who the next triple crown winner was going to be, or anything like that, is there an era of your life you'd like to revisit, and maybe whisper in the ear of your younger self some advice or encouragement? I just got finished reading "The Time Traveler's Wife" and i'm all atwitter with the wonder of dual causality...
Rachel G.
Austin, TX

I mainly included this question because you used "atwitter" in a sentence. So am I taking over the body of Robert the Younger when I go back in time? Say I want to visit Robert circa 1996. Do I have to suffer through bad skin, unexplainable erections and occasional squeaks/cracks in my voice? Or is it more of a Ghost of Christmas Past thing where I'm simply an unseen observer? Only I get to coach myself? Hmm...I'll assume that's the case.

To be honest, if I can't tell myself who's going to win the Super Bowl, I really don't care to talk to my younger self. I know myself pretty well, so I can say pretty confidently that, regardless of good intentions, advice usually goes in one ear and out the other. This applies to big picture stuff, mind you. If I went back in time and said, "hey. Go with the club sandwich. I can tell you for a fact you're going to regret ordering that Monte Cristo," then my past self would listen. But if I went back and pleaded and said, "you have to study! Go to Yale! You're smart enough! Just apply yourself!" I would nod my head, give a phony look of conviction and understanding, then go back to watching Heathcliff cartoons.

(side note: as Richard so brilliantly pointed out, Heathcliff is the white trash Garfield. Garfield was followed by Happy Acres. Heathcliff was followed by a bunch of mangy cats that lived in a trash heap.)

If you could live the real life of any television show that aired between 1978 and 1992 what would it be? (the specific date is when I think you were born to the year the Cosby show ended, I figured that's a good way to classify the shows we grew up watching.)
Kalinda H.
Austin, TX

Ahem. I was born in 1979. Wait. Could I live the life of Heathcliff?! I could be that roller skating cat that rapped all of his dialogue! Although I'd much rather be Riff Raff. Not only was he the leader of the gang, but...well...have you seen his girlfriend?!

Umm...Silver Spoons would be a good place to start. Possbily Quantum Leap, but only for a little while. Hmm...I don't think I watched anything but cartoons back then. (researching, researching...). Saved By The Bell would be a good one. American Gladiators! Ooh, Baywatch! (looking, looking). Ah. Here it is. Life Goes On. And I would be Corky Thatcher. Hooray!

If you were marooned on an island with nothing but the local animal life for company, what one animal would you choose as a daily companion? Keep in mind this animal's natural habitat because it would be yours as well.
Lindsey C.
Lubbock, TX

If I'm marooned on an island, my choices are pretty limited, no? Unless the island happens to be Antarctica and I can realize my dream of having a pet polar bear. It would have to be furry. I wouldn't want a pet Komodo Dragon or anything. I'm going to have to go the Swiss Family Robinson route here and say tiger. Do tigers live on islands? A monkey would be entertaining, but they're not protecting me from anything. No one fucks with a tiger.

When it comes to capturing the spirit of the tiger, I'm going to have to defer to Britney Spears, who was kind enough to write about tigers on her own blog. She's just so eloquent!

"I'm mesmerized by tigers. Their eyes, their stripes, their constant quest for survival. They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them. They pull you in and make it difficult to look away. They make you wonder what is behind their gaze. A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger." Sing it, sister. Sing it.

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Alright Eric, despite your pleas that this be the Question of the Week, I just can't. Yes, your weekly inappropriate questions are fun, and yes, they're interesting, but still. I will however, start a new weekly feature.

And now for our Eric Dean Memorial Inappropriate Question of the Week!

Would you rather date a stripper, knowing that she is grinding all over drunk, sweaty, fat guy boners just to get a few one dollar bills in her panties whilst getting propositioned by countless mid-life crisis accountants all the while contemplating actually giving that $10 hand job in the back alley OR would you rather date a porn actress? Sure she might take a meat whistle (or two) in every hole but at least you know those guys go through rigorous STD tests and are actually just using her for the slut that she is and actually have no interest in her.
Eric D.
Austin, TX

Whilst? Anyway. Umm...I'm sorry, I just couldn't date a porn star. I don't care how many STD tests she taking and I don't care how many "you're the only one for me" pep talks she gives me. Aside from the issues inherent in dating someone from the porn industry (where the drug use is rampant and ALL of their actresses have been sexually abused), I simply don't think our personalities would mesh. Could you see me with a platinum blonde, boobed, sparkly, made-up train wreck in a minidress? Don't answer that. The alternative, the stripper, isn't much better, but when she's saying "those guys don't mean anything to me," it's somewhat believable. The porn star can tell you "those guys don't mean anything to me" until she's blue in the face, but the fact remains. She's slept with them.

Oh, and meat whistle? Really?

If you were a professional athlete and the best at your sport, what sport would it be and why? Taking into consideration amount of games played, pay and fame.
Steven B.
Dallas, TX

You know, I've thought about this before. I think I'm going to have to go with golf (with tennis being a close second). I wouldn't want to be the greatest baseball player alive because baseball is just too damn boring. With football, the potential exists for paralysis. No thanks. No dice on basketball, because, come on, can you imagine an overweight, six foot white guy being the best basketball player? With golf, you travel to beautiful locations, the wear and tear on your body is minimal and the money is really, really good.

Although, part of me would like to be the world's greatest boxer. Only because I would want to fashion my entire persona after Soda Popinski.

Maybe this question doesn't work for the Mailblog, but since you wrote about Once (and so few people have seen it, so I can't talk to many people about it)....

How old did you assume the characters were? Thirty-something and twenty-something? That's what I was thinking. And then I read an article and it said the girl who played girl was 19. 19! Really? Doesn't she look like she could maybe be having hot flashes soon as opposed to just battling through puberty? OK, this is more of a rant than a question. Maybe disregard it.

(Also the two leads in the movie, my beloved ginger-haired 37-year old Glen Hansard and the aforementioned 19-year-old are now dating in real life. Part of me thinks 'aww' and a bigger part of me thinks 'ick.')

I realize none of this was a question.
Leigh B.
New York, NY

I actually read about their real life love affair before I saw the movie, so I knew how young she was going in. I remember something about her having to go home to finish high school after their press tour. So there was definitely an "ick" factor. But when the movie started, I kind of forgot about all that, and in my mind, she was 20 and he was around 35. But yes, she looks older in the movie because she dresses like an eighty year old gypsy and has a three year old kid. That little wrinkle pulled me out of the movie going experience and made me think about how young she was in real life. "What the?! A kid? Impossible!"

I can see why a whirlwind press tour and making an album together and performing at promotional events would make a ninteen year old girl fall in love with her co-star. You can't blame her for that. But for a 37 year old? Surely he's more professional than that? Or maybe he was enchanted by her innocence/excitement/enthusiasm/passion? I guess you just have to remind yourself that they're artists, and artists are kinda weird like that

Anyway, everyone needs to go this website and listen to the music from the movie. It'll make you feel all gay. In a good way. Listen to "Lies," "Falling Slowly" and "When Your Mind's Made Up."

I read somewhere that there are six movies this summer that are part three of a trilogy. Has Hollywood lost its creativity?
Richard K.
Dallas, TX

I had to paraphrase that question, since Richard technically submitted it over the phone. We were talking about all the blockbusters this summer, from Shrek 3 to Spider-Man 3 to Pirates of the Caribbean 3, etc, etc, and how there are nothing but sequels and remakes coming out. I saw a commercial for the Transformers movie and one critic said, "the most original movie this summer!" Now wait a minute. How can you say something is original when it's based on a twenty year old cartoon?! The concept? Not original. The story? Not original. The characters? Not original! Yes, it's different and visually enjoyable, but it's not original! Have critics really lowered the bar that far that a remake is considered original?

Anyway, yes, it seems Hollywood has run out of ideas. Their ideas now seem to center around finding something to remake. It's funny, there are literally warehouses of scripts on just about every block in America. They're called bookstores. And mark my words. At some point, someone is going to make an assload of money adapting a classic book for the big screen, and the superhero-happy executives are going to follow suit. I don't think the summer of 2010 is going to include "Of Mice and Men," "The Great Gatsby" or "The Jungle," because none of that stuff is visual enough for the general public. The answer is here. And it makes me giddy. Sneeches 2010!!!