Say you're going to jail for life and you only have one weekend left. Magically, there is a new law that our wonderful government has enacted where you can do anything you want your last weekend before you kick rocks and head to a lifetime jail sentence. You can buy anything you want, go anywhere you want, eat anywhere you feel like, whatever. Describe these last 48 hours in detail. I want to know where you'd go (you only have 48 hours though!), what you would eat and what you would do.
Megan M.
Austin, TX
Well, I would kick things off by buying a private plane. Not just a little one, a giant one. A converted commercial airliner (you said I could buy anything I like, right?). I would fly to Monroe to spend some time with Mama Knox, swing through Houston to see Papa Knox, then I would gather up my friends and my brother (this would take a little time - and I would need to stop at Nino's on St. Marks and Ave. A in New York for one last piece of pizza) and we'd be off to Europe. I'd probably have to be selective about where we went since the timeframe is so short. Paris, yes. London, yes. Ireland, yes. Spain, yes.
I have a feeling we could fill the hours pretty easily. Lots of expensive dinners, lots of booze, lots of nightlife, lots of beach-time. Then I would drop my friends off and have the pilot fly us into the ocean, because screw that, I'm not going to prison for the rest of my life.
Sam Austin Young regularly poops at LEAST three times a day, and last Sunday, with no out-of-the-ordinary stomach issues, he pooped an incredible SIX times in as many as five different bathrooms in as many as four different cities!!! SIX TIMES!!!! Much like a series of aftershocks, this week, he has followed up that poopformance with five poops on Wednesday, and on Tuesday, he had reached three poops by 3pm!
Anyway. To my question. Six poops in one day. SIX! Have you ever accomplished such a feat, what with all the poops? Barring any stomach issues, I'd imagine not. Do you think this poopchievement can be matched, or potentially surpassed? Somewhere out there, is there a Pooping Joey Chestnut to Sam's Pooping Kobayashi?Andy K.
New York, NY
I guess Sam's plumbing is just different. Or his small intestine works with machine-like efficiency. I've had food poisoning twice in my life. Once during my junior year of college, and once during my senior year. The culprit that first year was a ham sandwich from Hooter's. I know. I was asking for it. I should've known something was up when I passed the kitchen and the man at the grill looked eerily similar to Barth from You Can't Do That On Television. Anyway, the next four days were hell on earth, and if I could have paid $600 for a roll of cashmere toilet paper, I would have done it.
The only way I can see Sam's feat being matched is if you spent the previous day eating everything you could get your hands on. And then going out that night and drinking 25 beers. That's a recipe for six. Come to think of it, if tonight goes anything like the last Trivia Night, I may match that record tomorrow. And now for our Eric Dean Memorial Inappropriate Question of the Week!
Do you giggle in your head when you hear or use the word "package," or sometimes even "box?" I am going to assume you do and ask part two: at what age do you think these words will only refer to deliveries from UPS and FedEx? Ever since entering the workforce in 2002 I have gotten the biggest kick out of co-workers telling me "Kori, I've got a package for you" or "Kori, do you have a sample box?" "Is your box ready?"
Kori C.
Houston, TX
You know, I hate to admit this, but yes! I do think that! Despite the fact I don't have a vagina, I'll tell people that an e-mail is "sitting in my inbox," taking extra care to use "inbox," even though the word "box" would work just as well here. Maybe I feel the need to clarify, so they don't think people have been e-mailing my vagina? And I really don't know if people ever grow out of that. Maybe if you're busy enough, your pervy brain will let it slide, but I've got to think even our 50+ year old co-workers still smirk when someone asks if "the package is too large to fit in a mailbox."
And now our Quuuuuuuuuuestion of the Week!
If you had one week in New York with no firm plans, what would your ideal week look like? Please note the following parameters that must be adhered to in your response:
- Must include an itinerary for each day
- Costs must not exceed an average of $50 per day and preferably, should be much, much lower
Any response that includes the words “staten”, “island” or “ferry” is unacceptable and will be immediately disregarded
Andy K.
New York, NY
I can see why you ask this, Andy. Because you only have a handful of weeks left in New York before you're off to Australia. Stupid Australia. Hmm...are you sure the Staten Island Ferry is out of the question? I mean, it's free, you get sun on your skin and wind in your face, you float right past the Statue of Liberty without actually having to go there and they sell beer! Where's the problem? In fact, you could actually get off the ferry once you got to Staten Island and catch a Staten Island Yankees game. From what I've heard, the stadium is nice and the prices are reasonable. Come on!
Okay, $25-50 a day, huh? Well, you're going to have to set at least $20 aside each day for food. I mean, morning coffee/bagel + pizza or sandwich for lunch + whatever New York has to offer for dinner will cost at least that much. This leaves about $30 for nighttime activities. So you're pretty much stuck with the free attractions for the most part. One week. Seven days. Let's do it.
Friday, June 20th: Ah, day one. You'll have to kick things off right. Get up early, grab coffee, go to the Today Show. I know, it's cliche, but if you've got one week, you have to make the most of it. Then check out the Top of the Rock at Rockefeller Center. It's like $15, but you get an interesting history of NBC (and the building itself) and the view is amazing. And the one thing you get that the Empire State Building can't offer is an actual view of the Empire State Building. And since the GE building is pretty ugly from the side, you're not missing anything by being unable to see it. Spend the afternoon walking up and down Fifth Avenue gawking at all the shops, then after dinner, catch Neko Case at Central Park Summerstage. It's free and she's good. Reward yourself with skee ball at Ace Bar.
Saturday, July 21: Staten Island Ferry, SI Yankees game. I don't care. It's a good idea. And they're playing the State College Spikes, whose mascot appears to be some sort of rabid white-tailed deer.
Sunday, July 22: Mmm...easy like Sunday morning. Brunch at Casimir (waffles!). Central Park, relax. Maybe walk though the Central Park Zoo? Then head to Pool Parties at McCarren Park Pool.
Monday, July 23: Tourist day! Washington Square Park, Wall Street, Bryant Park, Times Square, Southstreet Seaport, St. Patrick's Cathedral and an afternoon trip to Coney Island for a spin on the Cyclone and some Nathan's hot dogs. And crack, if you're so inclined. Because Coney Island is ghetto. They don't call used condoms "Coney Island Whitefish" for nothing! Tuesday, June 24: Metropolitan Museum of Art. The place is enormous, and you could easily kill four hours here. The price of admission if $20 for adults, but it's only "suggested." Which means you can tell the person who just rang you up, "I think I'm gonna go ahead and pay nothing." Or if you don't want to be a jerk, ask someone coming out of the museum if you can have their button. I did that once and it's far less shameful than telling them you simply don't want to pay. To reward your culture-filled afternoon, go to 7B and play video game bowling and enjoy a few 24 oz cans of Natural Light (only $4 each!).
Wednesday, July 25: Queens Day! Stop by Sam's for breakfast (free!). Then go down to the Museum of the Moving Image to see "Star Trek: 40 Years of Fandom." Laugh at the nerdery. Have lunch at a Greek place then head over to Queens pitch-and-putt for a round of golf. Then go to the beer garden for pitchers and pitchers of crappy, warm, dark German beer. This should take care of your night.
Thursday, July 26: Brooklyn Day! A relaxing morning at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens, followed by lunch at Gimaldi's, which some people claim has the best pizza in New York (I disagree). Spend the afternoon at the Brooklyn Museum and soak up the works of Asher B. Durand. Yeah, I have no idea who that is either. Celebrate with drinks and (free!) pizza at Alligator Bar.
There's your week! Take lots of pictures. Steve, Lindi, did you take notes?
3 comments:
With your NYC plans, you would learn the hard way, as I did, that the MoMA is closed on Tuesdays (?!?) and you'll only get as far as the gift shop.
I remember that Hooter's ham sandwich and I don't know what was more disturbing: The sandwich, the cook or the multiple waitresses that I graduated High School with who were constantly begging us to buy crappy merchandise so they could buy their 2 kids (one on the way) clothes. Can you believe there is now a Hooters in Lubbock???
Serenity Now....
By the way, The MOMA is FREE for a few hours on Friday. You should think about factoring that in. And another thing, Prospect Park is the new Central Park. And finally, I miss you Robert.
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