Congratulations! Here is your...umm...decorative cutting board.

Something struck me as I was watching Florida celebrate last night after winning another NCAA tournament. Division I Men's Basketball has the worst trophy in sports. How can the reward for winning one of the biggest sporting events of the year be a plank of wood with a bronze plate glued to it? That's absurd. When you're designing a trophy, your objective should be this, and this alone: will every player on the winning team feel like they HAVE to hold the trophy? If the answer is no, then your trophy sucks. And I certainly didn't see anyone on that Florida team pawing for that trophy.

Now, I know the NCAA likes to pretend that it treats all its sports equally, and the trophy the Gators received last night is probably similar (if not identical) to the trophy the Division III Women's Fencing champions won, but why does it have to be this way? The Gator football team has that awesome crystal football. Can't the NCAA corner the market on crystal balls as trophies? A crystal basketball would be cool. A crystal baseball bat might take the College World Series from a marginally exciting tournament to a can't-miss event. Well, that and moving the tournament to a city other than Omaha every now and again.

That being said, I've decided to arbitrarily rank the best trophies in sports. For no other reason than to finally write about sports on my blog.

1. The Stanley Cup. It travels in a giant metal case, it's handled by guys wearing white gloves and I believe it has private security. It's the closest an inanimate object will every get to celebrity status. It's hockey's only redeeming quality. My gripe with hockey has always been this: how can a sport be that fast and that violent, and yet still be so low-scoring?! They should triple the size of the net, and let play continue after every goal. Then hockey would be worth watching.

2. The Crystal Football. It's sort of tacky, and it looks sort of brittle (and when it's not being passed around, it sits on a ghastly black throne), but people love cradling it like a newborn kitten. And kissing it. This is probably the most delicately handled trophy in sports, probably because looking at it wrong could cause it to break into 4,000 pieces.

3. The Vince Lombardi Trophy. It's the trophy given out at the biggest annual sporting event in the world, so it's going to be in the top three by default. This is one of the few trophies that can be held with one hand. Which creates hundreds of photo ops featuring a smiling player holding the trophy over his head while cradling a confused-looking four year old in a crooked Super Bowl Champions hat.

4. The Larry O'Brien Trophy. It's a serviceable trophy, I suppose. Aside from the fact that it kinda looks like a golden basketball glued to a dorm trashcan, it's about what you'd expect an NBA Championship trophy to look like, isn't it? Not too flashy, not impractical, probably looks nice in a trophy case.

5. MLB. On the other hand. Let's face it, this thing is a monstrosity. It's got 30 flags sticking out of it. It's impossible to kiss. It looks like a wrecked merry-go-round.

6. Is there an actual World Cup? Seriously. What do you win? This is BY FAR the biggest sporting event in the world, yet I've never seen an actual. World. Cup. I'm assuming it looks something like a golf trophy. Big silver bowl. Handles on each side. Something like that, right?....alright, just did a little research. There is a World Cup trophy, but contrary to what you might assume, it isn't a cup. It's a hideous gold statue that looks like a replica of someone's fibula. Great.

If you've got a difference of opinion, please feel free to comment. For all I know, the championship trophies for the Arena Football League, Dubai Open and Accenture Championships could be amazing, but I really don't care to look into it. And wouldn't sports be better served if they allowed all championship trophies to be sponsored? Can you imagine what a Pepsi Trophy would look like? They would pour millions into designing something awesome. Come on NCAA. Sell your soul. You know you want to.