Measles, Mumps, Mailbag!

I feel like crap today. I can't tell if it's my allergies, or if this is a full-blown cold. I've been sleeping like a rock every night (thanks to healthy swig of NyQuil at about 9:00 pm), and have been taking a multivitamin, DayQuil and Claritin in the morning. And I've been drinking more coffee than a recovering addict. Still foggy. Still crap. But none of that matters, because today marks the introduction of the Memoirs Mailbag! I'm kind of excited about this, to be honest. Most days I simply can't think of anything to write about. At least this gives me a nice starting point. Such as...

What is your favorite lunchmeat?
- Dave, New York, NY

Okay. I put this question first because it was the first question in the mailbag. Does Bill Simmons get these kinds of questions? I guess the most accurate answer would come from what I order at a deli. Which is usually roast beef. I'm always wary about ordering turkey, because I think it's going to make me sleepy. Which is probably ridiculous. The animal that goes on the sandwich is secondary to me. As long as there's avocado, I'm content. So there you have it.

Bored at work. Want to get together for some NSA action?
- NY Job Seek

Alright, for those of you not too familiar with craigslist, they have a section called "casual encounters." This is where a sex-thristy degenerate can post a picture of his ding dong for all the world to see and offer it to any takers. This is a particularly convenient place to go if you're looking to mess with somebody. Just put up a posting that says something like, "Bulky, hairy, eastern European stud looking for open-minded man for no-strings-attached (NSA) action. Send a picture of your junk." And then you put down the e-mail address of whomever you're looking to mess with. Let the fun begin. Clearly, the Mailbag was on the receiving end of someone's "casual encounters" prank. The strange thing about this question, is that I have no idea who is on the other end of that e-mail address. It could be a 48 year old dock worker named Andrzej, or it could be Uma Thurman. No idea.

Would you rather date Stuart Scott or Jim Rome?
- Eric, Austin, TX

Okay, this is a strange one, because the question implies that I actually have to be intimate with one of these men. Which could be problematic, considering I'm straight (and I'm pretty sure they are too). But I'm assuming "date" means that I'd have to spend a lot of time with this person (I won't even address the intimacy aspect, because ew.). I think I'd have to go with Jim Rome. Beside the fact that Stuart Scott is completely unbearable, he has that weird wandering eye. I couldn't sit across the table from someone with a wandering eye. I would never be able to concentrate on what they were saying (which in his case, would be something like, "Holla!! Booyah!!). I've had this conversation with several people recently. Let's say you've met the woman of your dreams. She's gorgeous, she's sweet, she's funny, she's smart. She's perfect. But she has a disability. If you had to choose, would you rather she was missing a leg or missing an eye? Well, it seems to me that the obvious answer is "leg." I mean, they make prosthetics. She might limp a little, but who cares? An eye though? You'd be looking into this woman's eyes for the rest of your life. Could you really do that when one is looking back at you and the other is looking at your watch? And I don't care what anybody says, about how technology is advanced, and the nerves move the glass eye around with the other one. You can tell. A leg? Who cares about a leg. So it might get a little unnerving when you're in bed together, but what percentage of a relationship is spent having sex? Like I've said a million times. It's nothing three phone books woudn't fix.

Deep down inside, who are your top three man-crushes and why?
- Lindsey, Lubbock, TX

Ah, the ol' non-sexual man crush. Men do not refer to these as "man-crushes." If a man wants to verbalize his admiration of another man, he'll say something like, "man, that guy is a pimp." That's as far as it goes. You'll never hear a guy say, "I really want to be best friends with that guy" or "my goodness, he fills out that blazer rather well!" I guess number one would have to be Caleb Followill, the lead singer for Kings of Leon. He has everything I want. The personality and voice to be the lead singer of a band. The cavalier attitude that makes you think he's capable of snorting a six foot line of cocaine before walking onstage with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. Rugged good looks that make you believe he had plenty of girlfriends before he ever considered joining a band.

Chuck Klosterman. Only because we share the same interests (music and sports) and he has exactly the job I want. He gets to write for both Spin AND espn.com. That's really not fair. Not to mention, his books are nothing more than a collection of his thought and experiences. He ponders something, he decides what he thinks, he writes it down. The end. And yet, they're all so entertaining to read.

I was thinking about putting Brad Pitt in the number three spot, only because have you seen his abs in Fight Club?! Then I remembered he's in the "A-list celebrity" stratosphere, which means he's probably clinically insane at this point. And he's got to deal with Angelina Jolie's shit. Can you imagine the conversations these two have? "Brad, I want to go to Africa. We need to adopt a little girl. My, we're attractive." "Yes, Angelina, we are. And we are very important. And we are humanitarians who do very important work. Work that will be remembered for generations to come." They're just a little too smug and self-satisfied for me. But his abs!

What's your biggest tangible fear and what's your biggest intangible fear?
- Leigh, New York, NY

My biggest tangible fear is spiders. There's really not much more to it. Granted, if I see one in my shower, I'm not going to jump up on the toilet and start screaming like a nine year old girl. But after I kill it with a book, I will get a severe case of the willies. To the point where an incapacitating shiver will run through my body. As far as intangible fears go, I really don't know. When people ask what I'm afraid of, I always say "spiders." It's easy, it's relatable, it's understandable and it answers the question. As far as intangible fears...that's much more complicated. That one takes a lot of introspection and self-analysis and amateur self psychiatry. So, umm, heights. Yes, that's it. I'm afraid of heights. That answers your question, right?! Heh.

Alright, thanks for the questions. Please keep sending them in. Until then...