Dear Baby Jesus. Thank you for NASCAR.

This past weekend, I went with some friends to the NASCAR race at Texas Motor Speedway, thanks to some free tickets care of Dave (thanks, Dave!). We stayed at the Hilton, which was very nice. In fact, it used to be called the Hotel Texas, and was actually the hotel JFK stayed the night before he decided to take advantage of the lovely Texas weather and go for a convertible ride through downtown Dallas. (Alright, I've now managed to poke fun at JFK, Muhammad Ali and Terri Schiavo in the span of two postings. I apologize)

Fort Worth had a nice downtown. Quaint, almost. The bars we hopped around surrounded a place called Sundance Square, which is probably pretty charming when it isn't jam-packed with NASCAR trailers, sponsor tents, advertising banners and a giant fucking stage. I won't complain about the stage though; we were able to listen to Charlie Daniels as we walked from one place to the next. We eventually settled at a place called The Library, which might seem a little disappointing, considering there are The Libraries in both Austin and Lubbock. However, of all the places we scooted in and out of, it felt right. One place was a little too high-brow (a definite no-no on NASCAR weekend). Another place had expensive drinks. Another place was showing an ESPN broadcast of a hamburger eating contest, which was entertaining, but a little too captivating and disgusting. At one point Joey Chestnut looked as though he might choke to death on the 11 sliders clogging his windpipe. But The Library had Big Buck Hunter, air hockey, an attractive bartender who looked to be working on her sixth boob job and affordable drinks. Thumbs up.

Sunday was the race. We got up and got ready at around 10:30, took our Aleve, Visined our eyeballs, swore off cigarettes and alcohol for the rest of our lives (at least I did) packed our stuff and headed for the track. The traffic wasn't as bad as you'd think, considering there were 200,000 people headed toward the same parking lot (I say parking lot, it was a village). We eventually found a spot roughly 14 miles from the track, and began our formidable trek towards the speedway. It wasn't unlike the Trail of Tears, but without the tears. And the oppression. And the heartbreak. It was nothing like the Trail of Tears.

So we finally got to the track and rewarded our efforts with $6 corndogs before going inside. Now, the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word NASCAR is what? No, not "car racing" or "sponsorships" or "watching Tom Cruise as Cole Trickle gets less believable every day." The first thing you think is "NASCAR fans are a bunch of Republican, Larry-the-Cable-guy-loving, shirtless, mulletted goons." That was what I thought. But I have to say, the perception of what a NASCAR fan should look like isn't necessarily true. Granted, there were plenty of strong examples of your NASCAR stereotypes - handlebar moustaches, checkered flag dresses (with matching bandana!), t-shirts that make reference to the shirt wearer's genitalia - and yes, the crowd diversity was comparable to that of a Klan rally, but there were also a lot of really normal looking (and sometimes really attractive) people at the race. I don't think I would ever actually approach one of these "attractive NASCAR fans" (sure, she's cute, but how would I feel if she wore that pink, camoflauge Kasey Kahne visor out in public?), but it was pleasantly surprising nonetheless.

They kicked things off with a rousing rendition of "God Bless Texas" (of course), then moved to the National Anthem. Then Stone Cold Steve Austin told the "gentlemen" to "start [their] engines." Because Stone Cold said so. Then a giant airplane that the US military uses for bombing did a flyover of the track. I have to admit, I love the flyover. I live for the flyover. I get genuinely excited by the flyover. I've got to think people in the middle east don't get as giddy when that plane does a flyover of their apartment complex.

Some observations from the race:

1.) The speed. One thing that doesn't really come across on TV is just how fast those cars go. Sure, you have the track-side cameras and on-board cameras and all that, so you understand they're going fast, but there's something about seeing it in person. It's sort of like seeing the Grand Canyon in person - you've seen pictures of the Grand Canyon, and you have an idea of what it looks like, but you don't fully appreciate the depth and size of it until you're standing on the edge. Same goes for NASCAR. You really need to see it in person to truly appreciate the speed.

2.) The noise. When the race first starts, you think, "I can handle this," because at the beginning of the race, the cars are all clumped together, so you only get a wave of CAR NOISE once every lap. However, it doesn't take long for the cars to spread out, and before too long, it's a constant buzzing. So the earplugs really are a necessity. Wearing earplugs for four hours can be a little disorienting. In addition to the inevitable "is that really my voice?" conversation you have with yourself after saying something out loud and having it amplified inside your own head, you also spend a lot of time just sort of staring at the people you're with. You really have to be choosy about what you say to your friends. Because you have to lean over and yell it into their ear. And then they have to yell "WHAT?" then you have to lean over and yell it again. And the only real response they can give is just to smile and nod. Because any other response would require another round of ear-yelling.

3.) The sponsorships. The cars themselves were interesting to look at, just from a marketing standpoint. Surely the Miller Lite car, the Budweiser car and the Coors Light car are naturally inclined to hate each other. FedEx Ground vs. UPS. Jack Daniels vs. Jim Beam vs. Crown Royal. Home Depot vs. Lowes vs. Menard's. Now, M&Ms and Snickers are both owned by Mars, so they may have just been fighting for the greater good. Of candy. Why wasn't there wasn't a Coke car? Or a Pepsi car? They spend $2 billion a year on advertising, surely they can throw another $8-$20 million out there for a NAS..um...car?

4.) Track food. I tried to buy some Frito Pie, just because the opportunities are so few and far between, but I would've had to wait for thirty minutes. No thanks. So I ended up with (sigh) cheese on a stick. Cheese on a stick?! Where is the creativity here? I think the "stick" was its saving grace. If that lump of glistening, fried cheese had been served in a bowl, I would've thrown it in the trash. But food on a stick is fun, so I choked it down. Then felt like crap immediately afterwards.

All in all, it was a fanstastic time. Jeff Burton in the Prilosec(?!) car eventually won, but naturally, I was too drunk by the time the race ended to care about the outcome. It's definitely worth seeing in person, however, the noise causes you to lose certain aspects that make other sporting events fun - like the ability to sit there and chit chat with your friends for four hours, or the ability to heckle. Get there early (for parking), bring extra sunscreen (the right side of my neck and face is the color of a Victoria's Secret box), buy earplugs and bring people you don't mind looking at.