It's a boozy, boozy mailblog.

Welcome back! After a very long and very exhausting Memorial Day weekend, the mailblog is back in business. As I mentioned last week, this past weekend was spent at a friend's lakehouse in lovely Marble Falls, TX. The weather wasn't great; it was either raining or threatening to rain for about 75% of the weekend, but no matter. We spent most of the weekend on the back porch chit-chatting anyway. We also cooked out, had sing-alongs, drunkenly screeched into the microphone during American Idol karaoke, shot things with pellet guns and sat by the lake. All in all, it was a rednecktastic good time.

It probably goes without saying that I was completely drained yesterday, and had to apply the "no blog postings on Monday" rule to Tuesday. Which brings us to today. Wednesday. And the mailblog!

If Webster's Dictionary wanted you to create the new word for the year 2007, what would that word and definition be? And you can't use "ain't," "WMD" or "four-fiv" (the number between four and five).
Steven B.
The United States of Dallas

Alright, first off, I created "four-fiv," so why can't I use "four-fiv?!" For anyone who wasn't there (and I think that includes...uhh...everybody), four-fiv was the product of a ridiculous math-based drinking game that was being played at an all-day, outdoor, marathon, college drinkfest. Seriously, it started at 7:00 am. Which meant that by the time 3:00 rolled around, you were absolutely obliterated, had roughly six pounds of sand and grit in your teeth and possible third degree burns from overexposure to the sun. Man, was it fun. Anyway, I stammered, ended up blurting out "four-fiv," then defending it as though it was an actual number, and thus the word was born. I don't know how you can say "four-fiv" is unacceptable when you once let "jime" and "coze" slide during a rousing game of "Rhyme Time." Drinking games. Jesus.

Thinking back, there were a lot of really dumb drinking games. I once met a girl who was part of the Syracuse swimteam, and she told me about a fantastic little game called Edward Fortyhands. Has anyone heard of this? Basically, you duct tape a 40 oz bottle of malt liquor to each hand, and they can't come off until those bottles are empty. This sounds like torture. You have to go to the bathroom? Well, you better finish your drinks. You need to clear your friends throat because he's choking on his own vomit after drinking two forties? Finish your drink. It's amazing we all survived college, isn't it?

Why doesn't anybody have any Kleenex around here? Are you still driving this weekend? Do you have any DayQuil? Can you tell that I have a cold?
Beth R.
Austin, TX

Ah, the ol' four-part question. This is tough one. I don't know why there isn't any Kleenex around there. I've never brought a box of Kleenex to work, because when I'm sick, I don't come to work. So if it's anything that can't be fixed with a quick dab of a paper towel, or (worst case scenario) some toilet paper, I'm on my couch. This is why I can't keep a job.

I did drive this weekend. Unfortunately our departure and arrival times conflicted, so you did not ride with me.

I do have some DayQuil. I swear by that stuff. And Emergen-C. Which I think I've now mentioned 4,265 times in this blog. Shouldn't they be sending me checks at this point?

Yes, I know you had a cold. But you feel better now, right? I'm pretty sure I watched you drink 80 beers this weekend.

If you could go back in time, and change one moment of your life, what would it be? (And our money here in NY is on the moment Andy snapped the famous "Pteradactyl" picture)
Dave E.
New York, NY

That was regretable. Although, doesn't everybody have a few pictures of themselves they don't particularly like? Granted, most of the time those pictures don't end up on a coffee mug. Or photoshopped onto national monuments. Thanks, Dave. You know, I've never really had a go-to "face" for pictures. After the pteradactyl was hatched, I decided that I definitely need one. Anything but that.

If I were to go back and change one thing, it would probably be that time I tried desperately to drink that one girl pretty, but ended up so hungover as a result that I fainted on the subway. That was unpleasant.

If you were elected the Governor of Texas for one day and given the ability to sign one bill into law, what is one bill that you would absolutely lobby and force through the legislature and ultimately sign into state law?
Eric D.
Austin, TX

You know, I'm actually going to agree with Rick Perry on this one. Making the HPV vaccine mandatory for all girls over the age of 10. It seems like such a no-brainer. HPV causes cervical cancer. HPV can be prevented with a simple vaccine. Why isn't this already a law? Well, because HPV is technically an STD, so clearly young girls will begin whoring themselves after they get the vaccine, because, after all, isn't the fear of HPV the only thing keeping them in check? This is ridiculous for so many reasons. First off, when you were ten and you had to get a shot, did you know (or even care) what the shot was for? No! You were scared because it would hurt, then relieved after it was over. After I got my MMR shot in the ninth grade, I didn't think, "Hey! Now I can go hang out at the Measles ward!" As a parent, wouldn't you feel pretty stupid if your daughter caught HPV, ended up getting cervical cancer and becoming infertile as a result of your idiotic convictions? And if your daughter is having sex at the age of ten, isn't she pretty much a lost cause anyway?

On that note, remember to protect yourself, everybody! And please, please, please send questions to memoirsmailbag@gmail.com. Please. Thanks!