Manhattan, Malaria, Mum-Ra, Mailbag!

Well, I'm finally back in the office after three days of (cough, cough) calling in sick. Yep. I was on my deathbed. Saying my prayers, finishing my will, calling all my ex-girlfriends to apologize...okay, that's not completely true. I was actually in New York this past weekend, but needed to call in sick on Friday because I waited too long to ask for the day off. It was a very, very good time. Not only was the weather absolutely perfect, but my trip also corresponded with a rockin' Cinco de Mayo party - a party that featured lots of tequila, Kentucky Derby gambling, pinatas, something about a "Triple Crown," American Idol karaoke and lots and lots of empty beer cans and cigarette butts. Good times.

I probably got a total of 72 minutes of sleep over the course of the weekend (most of which came on a loveseat), so naturally, I came back to Texas with the plague. So my calling in sick yesterday and Monday were legitimate. Monday I slept until 11:00, then moved to the couch and slept til 5:00. Yesterday I slept til 2:00, then spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch. That should give you a good idea of how eventful the weekend was.

But anyway. I'm back in the office now. My allergies are back in full effect (I missed you too, Austin), I'm flat broke and still need another 24 hours or so of sleep. It was completely worth it. Anyway, onto the abbreviated mailbag!

If you were being honored by a local restaurant, and they were to name a sandwich after you, what would be on "The Robert?"
Kalinda H.
Austin, TX

Oh good, another lunchmeat question! Well, if I'm going to stay consistent, "The Robert" would have to include roast beef and avocado. Although, if you're going to have a sandwich named for you, it's got to be a little over the top, right? I mean, who wants "chicken salad on wheat toast" to be their lasting legacy? For lunch on Sunday I had a burger with bacon, blue cheese and avocado - which was a pretty delicious combination. It's a little heavy (and probably had roughly 12,000 calories), but if someone is going to order "The Robert," I would like them to start the sentence by saying, "you know, I'm feeling a little adventurous today."

Side note: If you order a BLT with guacamole on it, does that make it a GLBT? I know gay bars don't typically have a menu, but why wouldn't they serve this? It would be delicious and hilarious! But anyway.

If you had your chance to program 24 hours of a television network (or, say, a week) what would you put on the air? I think I'd try to schedule a block of "Middle Eastern Music Videos" and then some classic Cubs games. But beyond that... not sure...
Dave E.
New York, NY

When I was in college, I often wondered aloud why the Cartoon Network never showed old Thundercats episodes. It baffled me. I'd grown up loving Thundercats, and insisted it would be a huge hit for the network. Well, then they started showing old Thundercats episodes and I realized what a terrible show that was. So as much as I'd love to include Masters of the Universe in my afternoon programming, I just can't imagine that show being any better than Thundercats was.

I'm not sure what I would show, though. When I'm in front of a TV with cable, I tend to flip back and forth between ESPN and IMF. So I think the bulk of my programming would be music videos. It's perfect daytime programming. Then Sportscenter. Pardon the Interruption. NBC Nightly News. How I Met Your Mother. College Gameday. Jeopardy! The Office. And marathons of "Next" on Sunday afternoons for when you're brain-damaged on the couch. Oh, and straight up porn from midnight to 4 am. Obviously this network would fold in a matter of weeks.

Richard said you still have cooties, is that true?
Kori
Durango, CO

Thanks for your concern, Kori. I was actually vaccinated fairly recently at a free clinic. You know. Circle, circle, dot, dot. HARHARHARHARHAR!!!

Anyway, keep those questions coming! Tonight I'm off to see Kings of Leon. So it's possible I'll call in sick again tomorrow. Because my face may have been rocked off. Hard to work without a face.