Monica, Muselix, Manhood, Meador, Mailbag!

Day three of the conflict. Still pounding cups of Emergen-C. Still taking DayQuill. Still sleeping too much. But I may have gotten over the hump - I actually woke up before my alarm went off and there was a noticeable spring in my step. But anyway. On to the mailbag!

If you were a character on the once popular NBC sitcom "Friends," would you have been more romantically interested in Phoebe, Rachel or Monica? Why?
- Eric, Austin, TX

This is a tough one. They're all over-the-top TV characters, so if you met any of them in real life, you'd think they were completely insane. I think I would have to go with Rachel. Monica is neurotic and unfriendly, which would drive you nuts. Phoebe is a little too off-center, so normal conversation would be impossible. She'd end up setting her mother's urn on the kitchen table or sleeping with a dead raccoon or something. Rachel is needy and whiny and selfish, but she's the least crazy of the three, and she's the most attractive. Although, I couldn't handle having to hang out in a coffee shop all the time. Wouldn't you get incredibly bored with these people? Where's the Big Buck Hunter? Where's the photobooth? Where's the dance floor?! How much coffee can you drink?! Not to mention that dating one of these three would require you to hang out with all six of them. I would probably go home after our eventful and hilarious Thanksgiving dinner and call my brother. "Thanksgiving was okay. I don't know about her friends though. I mean, this guy Chandler was funny, but man, every comment that came out of his mouth was smarmy or sarcastic. The other guy Joey may be retarded. And the other guy Ross...I can't stand him. I just can't take him. He's smart and kinda funny, but jeez. He needs to grow a pair. Her girlfriends were pretty hot though. I didn't really fit in. There's no way this is gonna last."

If you looked into the deepest recesses of your soul, to the dark corners that barely see the light, what (and this might make you feel vulnerable but work through it) is your favorite type of breakfast cereal?
- Leigh, New York, NY

When I was a kid, my mom bought any combination of the following three kinds of cereal: Cheerios/Honey Nut Cheerios, Grape Nuts and Crunch Berries/Peanut Butter Crunch. This wasn't exactly worth racing down the stairs for in the morning. So I got to where I just wouldn't eat breakfast anymore. When I got to college, I nearly had a coronary looking at the cereal bar. Pure genius. Cookie Crisp next to Lucky Charms next to Froot Loops next to Count Chocula (whatever happened to Franken Berry anyway? Was he killed by torch-wielding villagers?). Anyway, when I did go to the cereal bar, I usually had Fruity Pebbles, which, if I had to look into the dark corners of my soul, I would say probably tops of the list. The truth is I've never been much of a breakfast person. This past weekend, my mom and I went to a diner called Chubby's for breakfast, and I had pancakes, eggs, bacon and coffee. It was wonderful, there's no denying that, but I think I'm more of a lunch person. I'd rather have a club sandwich for breakfast than an omelet. The only time I really like breakfast is when I'm having it for dinner. Maybe my internal clock is on Japanese time or something.

Does size matter?
- Ol' Trashmouth N Shitpussy, Austin, TX

Oh, Ol' Trashmouth. You sure know how to ask the hard-hitting questions. Does size matter. I'm assuming you're talking about penises here, right? The size of your bathroom soap isn't all that important. Or the size of your dishes. Well, I'm not a girl, so to me, size doesn't matter. Maybe our lady readers can chime in. Hmmm...Am I worried about myself in that category? No. I'm more worried about that greenish-blue thing growing on the underside of it. Wait. Forget I said that.

If you were to write an open letter to your adolescence, sharing nuggets o' wisdom with your teenage self, how would it read?
- Lindsey, Lubbock, TX

Dear Fifteen Year Old Robert,
My god, you're awkward. Good lord, kid, buy a shirt that fits. And cut that hair! Jean shorts? Really?! Alright, listen. your skin will get better. And don't worry about your embarrassing lack of body hair. You'll soon have more of it than you've ever cared to. You're not comfortable in your own skin, but that's okay. Girls aren't either. Just be yourself and you'll be fine. Besides, college is just three short years away, and that's when the fun really starts. But in the meantime, please try to study. And go to the gym every now and then. And try to talk mom into buying you lots and lots of Yahoo! stock for Christmas.

Honestly, How much do you love me?
- Regan, Brooklyn, NY

Regan, you are the Luigi to my Mario. The Hawk to my Animal. The Linnell to my Flansburgh. I can always count on you for a good time, and I can always lean on you when I'm overwhelmed by my own insecurities and fears (of heights and spiders, that is). We shared what was probably the most exciting two years of our entire lives together. In fact, I would go so far as to say June 2004 to January 2005 was the happiest seven months of my entire life, and I can't imagine doing it without you. True, it wasn't smooth sailing the whole way, but we argued like brothers. You are the cream in my coffee of life, Reegs. Kisses.

All the fussin' and still no new name? You DISGUST me!
- Dave, New York, NY

Yes, well. Let me first say that I really, really appreciated everyone's participation. I got something like 12 comments on that post, which never happens. However. Some of the suggestions I had to work with were Pee Hands, Poopy Pants McGhee, Razzle Dazzle, UTI Digital (I have no idea what this means. Something to do with a urinary tract infection?) and Moist Deluxe Accomodations. Each suggestion certainly had its merits. But none of them really spoke to me enough to scrap the whole blog and start anew (though Pee Hands almost took the grand prize). If you still want your original 8"x10" drawing, please send your address to memoirsmailbag@gmail.com. It's only fair.

Until next time...